Sorry I haven’t reviewed in awhile. Dance has kept me busy, what with competitions and conventions and rehearsals and classes and more, tis the season! Anyway, I don’t really have much to say, you’re doing great and I’m glad we’ve reached a new level in Sara’s feeling, Chris’s feelings, and the feelings for each other that they are showing. I’ve been reading this sporadically so it’s seemed like a long time that we were stuck at the ‘neither will admit they like the other’ stage, but it wasn’t excruciating.

The main reason I wanted to review is actually not because of something in any recent chapters but rather something that just happened recently in my own life. It’s not exactly something I feel comfortable talking about online, but I will say it has had me quite depressed for some times now. And no, no one has died, and I wasn’t dumped by a guy. Anyways, not to sound melodramatic, I ended up spending more time crying this past weekend than I have in years (not being one to cry very often). So, while reading the scene in which Sara is crying, now having “experience”, a rather interesting question crossed my mind. When people cry, to be frank, they tend to have a dreadfully runny nose. And, with all the crying Sara has done throughout this novel, I imagine Dix’s household is running short on Kleenex (just kidding). But seriously, I know the topic is…strange… but to uphold a sense of realism I feel it’s necessary to keep true to the fact that there’s a lot of snot involved with prolonged crying. I’m not saying you have to mention snot (jeez I hate that word) in particular, but I would try to at least convey the fact that people don’t exactly look or sound beautiful when they cry. Nor do they feel well after getting so congested, for me at least crying brings on a terrible headache and stuffy feeling.

So…. yeah, this concludes my rant on crying. Great job!

FrenchSilkPie

O, drama. Chris vs. Teddy, and Teddy’s revolution. Sparks will fly! I’m sorry, I feel a little guilty now after my last, and rather harsh review. So this time I’m going to point out what you do WELL so you can keep doing it. Keep in mind there is no way I could write out EVERYthing good about your writing here (there are so many things), but I’ll try to get the main things down…

I. Your plot is unique, not cliché at all, and I can tell that it has been well thought out and not at all carelessly handled. You are definitely leading up to something and your story has an intriguing direction.

II. You’re characters do not act the same, and not just your main characters but the minor ones as well. Everyone has their own personality, a realistic personality, and they are not cookie cutter.

I. The actions of the characters, and their reactions are consistent and realistic. Gwinnie especially. As a young child not yet mature enough to realize that the world doesn’t revolve around her but still sweet, innocent and not at all annoying despite her lack of maturity (which will come in time) she has definitely won my heart.

IV. Your characters are endearing, I love them all. (Notice all these points on characters! It’s definitely a strong point for you)

V. You manage to intersperse many different elements, like mystery, drama, tragedy, and uplifting spiritual writing into your story without diverting or getting sidetracked. Everything blends in together and yet remains distinctly separate.

VI. YOUR MAIN CHARACTER IS MEEK BUT NOT SMALL! (Something I am very guilty of, all my main female characters are petite, most likely because I’M petite and I can relate to the size better…are you tall?)

VII. You utilize …’s and underlined words to emphasize and add flavor to your writing.

VI. I have to go to dinner but there is a lot more that you excel at and I encourage you to keep writing no matter how evil and demanding I may be (not that my comments would ever hold enough influence to dissuade you from writing).

Sorry for the previous review, I don’t disagree with any points I made ut I think I could have worded some it of a little nicer.

FrenchSilkPie

Thank you for the e-mail, I’m glad that you appreciate my comments. You probably did mention that this was a draft somewhere but sometimes I just get so wrapped up in the story that I don’t read the author’s notes. It’s also why I only review every two or three (or four) chapters.

Anyways, Now that we’re really getting into the story I have to say that your pace has been a little quick. You have some excellent ideas in here, about God and about finding yourself and overcoming adversity. However, you’re losing the power of these ideas by rushing through them and only bringing them up in small snippets every now and then. It seems that every time Sara and Chris are alone together there is a “god is really there, you just have to listen” “No he isn’t” scene. But each of them is so similar that it’s more of a repetition than a furthering of the ideas. I think that by combining most of what you have done so far into a few select but well developed and explored scenes would greatly enhance the ideas your trying to convey. The scene where Sara gets Chris to express his feelings with the charcoal is a good example. That scene was SUPERB! It played on the ideas you’ve been mentioning from the beginning but it held so much more emotion and appeals than the little scenes you’ve interspersed into your chapters.

As for the pace (which I got off topic on a paragraph ago), I believe that too much has happened within such a short period of time and that by spanning the story over a period of weeks or even months instead of days would increase the realism of your work. Another way to do this would be to focus evenly on the relationship between Sara and Chris, and between Sara and herself. As it is you’ve written a lot about Chris, his new friendship with Sara, and his trials. You have not, however, written much beyond the first few chapter’s of Sara’s changes. Yes she is becoming looser and more comfortable with the idea of not being a servant, yet, it seems that she is losing some of her depth. In the beginning she was such a strong character that I looked forward to seeing grow and develop, but now it seems like this growth has happened behind the scenes (if that makes any sense) and I feel cheated. As a human, her changes and her new ideas about herself (the “new Sara”) are not going to happen overnight! And you could further her so much as a character by going deeper into these changes. It saddens me to think that she may just be becoming a flat, one-dimensional character, which she seems to be heading towards at the moment.

Finally I think that someone with your talent for writing could even further improve by varying you vocabulary and imagery. Try reading Steinbeck, some people find him boring as heck but his use of imagery and words is profound. By mixing up your words and sentences a bit and adding a few more paragraphs describing the scenery and landscape (I simply love this time period in terms of city life and architecture, it’s so beautiful and winter if my favorite season to depict it in) I think you could immensely increase the caliber of this already astounding story.

I’m sorry for being so long winded today, if you can’t tell I’m very passionate about writing and you caught me in a ranting mood ^^; Don’t let my criticisms bother you, I love your story and it is one of the best I’ve found on Fictionpress so far. Keep up the excellent work.

FrenchSilkPie

Just a short comment, I like how you keep the character’s habits consistent. Sara always clutches her skirts or whatever is in her hands when she grows uncomfortable, and Mr. Lake has a habit of making a fist. This is very astute of you, I’ve never noticed it before in writing’s on character development or whatnot, or if I have it was only vaguely mentioned. Anyway, just a passing compliment.

FrenchSilkPie

’m going to go out on a limb here (something I rarely do) and make a prediction. A silly, unfounded, and completely incorrect one no doubt, but perhaps it’ll amuse you to see what your readers are thinking. Anyway, here goes… I think Mrs. Lake sent for Sara knowing she’d die soon and hoping that if her husband didn’t fall in love with her, he’d at least find solace in taking care of a floundering artist as she once did for him.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you use “…” a lot in your writing. “Her…her family” “she felt…enough” and while this is a good way to add meaning to certain words, it should be used sparingly less it lose its power. Try varying your sentence structure to emphasize emotions, words, and revelations instead of resorting to “…”.

One last comment, I like how you explained Sara’s emotions when thinking about motherhood and her love for Gwinn. She felt like she was “enough”, this is an ingenious way to describe the complete feeling of happiness you’re getting at, I love it!

FrenchSilkPie

You might want to look over your chapters more carefully; I’ve noticed a lot of typos and extra words that don’t belong. I understand that it’s hard to catch these by yourself because you’ve already read over the story so much in writing it that you only skim through it, so it’s probably a good idea to have someone else check your stories if you haven’t already done this. I’d also make sure that your “editor” is someone who you can trust to actually check and critique you, not just give you compliments and read as any other reader would.

The dream sequence was interesting, though a little confusing. However, I believe you meant it to be, did you not? Anyway, The story seems to be progressing at a nice rate for now; I trust the pace will quicken soon with a little more intrigue or drama. I am very pleased with the consistency of your characters, they each have a personality and they stick with it, something that many authors tend to abuse.

Your ideas are creative as well, the novelty of the toilet was unique, and not something I’d ever read before. The maid, Amy, seemed timid at first but soon after became a little spunkier. While a minor character I still think the change was ill played and perhaps her original shyness should be done away with to eliminate the awkward change in character.

Once again, great job thus far,FrenchSilkPie

SOrry for the short review, normally I review every two or three chapters, but I must make a small comment on this chapter. Adding to your previous character development, you’ve established speech patterns, which I find amazing. People rarely manage to go so far as to distinguish a character through their way of speaking, and I commend you for doing so.

FrenchSilkPie

Yes, this has been very nice so far. I love how the beginning was set up as letters and a prayer journal. The entries were a little choppy as you neared the end, I felt like the journal pieces could have been elaborated. She must have had plenty of spare time aboard the ship, and being a pious woman it would make sense that she would spend more of her time writing in her prayer journal. The concept, however, is superb.

In chapter two I noticed you referred to her bag as a craft/ sewing basket; it seemed awkward and I would instead suggest using a hyphen between the words.

Odd, this story, what with Chris being an artist and Sara a maid, reminds me of “The Girl With the Pearl Earring.” Have you ever read it? Sara almost reminds me of the girl in the novel. Her optimism and hope are refreshing. Too many times main characters (especially in the drama category) are portrayed as brooding, shy, or angsty. The character depth in this is delightful, I hope as we meet more people that you will uphold this standard. Do not get me wrong though, you have done a spectacular job at portraying Sara as an inspiring and endearing lady, this in and of itself is an accomplishment. And I have no doubts that someone of your capabilities will continue this excellence.

Lastly I would like to applaud the small, subtle, and thus all the more intriguing sense of mystery that you have hinted at in these first two chapters. The conversation in which Sara explains her old situation to Christopher was, perhaps, a little ill played and hasty, though. Still, I look forward to continuing this story; a definite addition to my favorites list! I will try to review as often as I can, and I hope you don’t mind my criticisms, I do not personally think a review that simply states “Wow” or how good a story may be is any help to the writer.

Sincerely,FrenchSilkPie

P.S. This also reminds me of Charlotte Bronte’s “Jane Eyre”, have you read that either? And of course “The Sound of Music”, though Sara isn’t very much like Maria; they are both religious and uplifting, however.

Okay, I absolutely love this story. Great job.

wow.
sometimes that's all you can say: wow. amazing writing, i'm left with chills running up my spine at the end.
felt like the underlining was overused, though. might want to watch it on the emphasis. but other than that, outstanding job. :D

All I can say is... wow. This is a truly beautiful piece.

It was touching. It's so nice to read inspirational stories like this in this site. Continue to write...you are not only giving the Lord the honor but giving us 'your reader' the inspiration and reminder about God. Thank you so much!

Wow. I'm speechless. It's incredible!
*~FrenzyFan78~*

Wow. I love it so much, though I think I've made that point. Is your published book called Searching for Sara too? I might have to buy it sometime...
*~FrenzyFan78~*

ah so sweet! I love the Christian themes in here (among so many other things!) Love it! I'll finish later.
*~FrenzyFan78~*