FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Panchromatic 2006-12-28 ch 1,  | abuseabsolutely brilliant. the reason i found this is that i also have a poem called "shadowboxer". haha. but i think i might like yours better the mood is really interesting. you create the image of someone wandering through a cold, unfeeling city very well. >"stepping quietly on gravel/with tender bare feet" really nice imagery. and a good simile for "lying in my bed at night/with wind rushing through the trees." >"i'd like to be more than a/monochrome memory -" good wording. and a lot of feeling in that. >"the city is cold/ but i still have/(some fight left.)" excellent last line. packs a punch (no pun intended). however... >"because i'm trying not to notice/how badly/laying in my bed at night alone/with wind rushing through trees/feels like" i would delete the "like" at the end and replace "badly" with another word... maybe a more specific, or powerful one. like "depressing", "bleak", "dark", "hopeless", "miserable", "cold"... or just saying "because I'm trying not to notice how/laying in bed at night alone/with wind rushing through trees feels" and leaving out "badly". >"a thousand winged fingers make/physically evident" instead of "physically evident", maybe "tangible" or "visible" Good job! that's going under my "favorite stories" |
| Oriana Amadis (not signed i... 2003-02-12 ch 1, anon. | abuseHonest mistake. I'm glad you changed it. It is I really good poem. Your very good with words and metaphores. "A thousand winged fingers make physically evident what goes inside my head." is a lovely line. Good job. Look to the Stars, Oriana Amadis |
| meghan rose 2003-01-30 ch 1, | abuseit's meant to be a poem, not a song...hence the categorization :P thanks for your review. i've changed that line (i didn't realize it was from barcelona...i knew the summary was, the summary just seemed appropriate, i've changed that as well.) |
| Ashley D. Porter 2003-01-29 ch 1, | abuseGood poem...or is it supposed to be a song? Ah well I forget. I think you should have a disclaimer saying you don't own the line "I'm blending, I'm bleeding, I'm blurring into the scenery." I know you changed it slightly but it is technically Jewel's from her song "Barcelona". Sorry, I just think you shouldn't be given credit for something you didn't create.(Even if it's just one line, actually you have a line or two also in the summary) Well other than that I liked the poem, and well written. Look to the Stars, Oriana Amadis |