'shani, MRL. That was a long chapter... I have two things to recommend: 1) Make your sentences a little longer; 2) Characterize the dialogue. What i mean about sentences is, well let me give you an example:
"As for the Eco Canyon, it took one full day. We climbed a lot. It was very cold. The Sazian children had a little problem adjusting as well in this climate. Ray had many close calls, but Vincent was not so lucky. He sprained his ankle." It is very simplistic, almost to the point of being childish. As for the dialogue, no characters seem to have their own "twist" on it, they all talk the same. I'm not talking about accent or language, I mean character-wise. No one has their flair to make it THEIR sentence, or at least there has not been enough development on that part. I can tell Matt apart from the others, but that is it. -Kez

good idea with an original way of writing. lots of speech so it sounds like real life. i like this story a lot

Aie, BALSTED FPRESS! (won't let me sign in) anyway, finally got to your fic MRL! Yay!
The first chapter gave a pretty good description of the game, but the second chapter I'm real confused on! Who ARE all these people and how do they know each other? How do Arthur, Susan and Vincent know Jen and Ray? Maybe you'll get to explaining this in later chapters, but I feel like I flipped open a book in the middle and started reading! -Kez