Ignoring my innate hatred for iambic pentameter, I like this piece. It kind of... travels

uhh dude, you have one to many quatrains for a sonnet, elizebethan or petrarchan
lines 2, 4, 7, 11, 12, 13, 14, 18 arent IP
lines 3, 8, 10 are forced IP

otherwise, though i like the premise, sometimes you seem like your thought should continue and it doesnt (8 into 9 is an example) my suggestion is to go back to the drawing board with this, you have potential ideas, but the expression is more than a bit off

zac

wow, that was so good. i liked it.. it was so intriguing. nice, very nice.