hey not too shabby. however i'm a reader that likes a ton of description and information, and you cover a lot of things in a very small space... perhaps this would make a better introduction or prologue?

or you could not listen to me, because i have been known to write way too long of chapters hahaha.

happy medium, anyone?

mallory

Pretty good. I'm not too sure where you're going, but there are certain themes that seem to be popping up- although it is heavily influenced by classic fantasy, RPG's and anime, I can see a lot of James in itas well. Reminds me of some of my high school writing, which started as supergeroes but ended up something different entirely.
I'm not going to go into details, but overall, it's good- it's fun and a solid effort- perhaps it needs a bit of editing, a bit of tightening and a bit of better focus, but it has heart and imagination- although I got tired of counting stars and would have preferred numbered notes.

Second review. Looking good, Wyatt- your writing is definitely improving IMO. I think you're really coming along.

One thing I think you need to ask yourself, though, is that if someone were to read this story, would they understand it? Are there enough details?

There are some areas- the first paragraph where the guards are jumping on walls for instance that things simply aren't explained enough, there is too much left in the dark- and while minimalism can be an effective tool, and sometimes one can have too much information, I think you still need to remember and be mindful that the reader knows nothing but what you tell him.

Another area where this would be helpful is with the notes- I think it would be more effective if you simply stated what the creature or term was rather than forcing folks to read the notes- it's awkward and counterintuitive.

All in all, though, very good. Good sentence structure, good ideas. It flows very well, it feels cohesive. The world actually has some depth. Keep it up.

Super- I really like the way the plot is winding up...don't stop writing, I have to know what happens! Well written too...great job gameguy

Not too shabby. Eleven prince sounds dumb. Sorry.

Like someone else mentioned, try to iron out your sentences so they flow and transition better.

You know what this chapter needs? Chili fries. I never had chili fries in a long time. People down chili fries, but they taste great and they aren't as disappointing like those Frenc...Freedom Fries. Cheese Fries, those taste great too. Wait, what's the subject of this review?

Nice story you've got started here, Wyatt. I really like it. A few things, that might help:
1.Try to add more details. I have the same problem in my writing as I tend to be very spare with words, but adding more details to help immerse the reader in the world will definitely make the story better.
2.Smooth out those rough sentences and transitions. For instance, the first sentence:"The ship rocked against the harbor as the waves pounded it." as well as many others simply don't roll off the tongue very well.

I hope that helps. Maybe you can publish your story in your school newspaper. :)

Great...even though I kept mixing up the number 11 with elves. Oh wellz...all ppl must read!

good but it is so sad wa ha wa ha

good job Gameguy and tell tim not to tell names ha ha on reviews and good job

Pretty good. This is the first story I have ever seen where elves aren't portrayed as 100% good creatures. In most stories, the opposite would have occured, were it would be the humans forcing the elves out of their homeland.

Something else I'd like to mention is that super huge paragraph you've got going on there. Yes, I kno, It was originally several paragraphs and when you posted it, it became one huge mess. It happens all the time, just double space inbetween paragraphs, preview your work if your not sure how it will come out.

Keep writing.

Hey Wyatt, Not bad for a first chapter. A word of advice, if you want to have people other than authors review your stories. Go to Settings and clear the checkbox that says "Block aynomous(sp) reviews.

Gary is still a baka!

Sincerly...

Xanatos Z. Onua (Tim)

P.S. If you review any of my stories, please call me Xanatos (for Privacy)