good job, sounds kinda like a rap song.

i'd suggest tightening a few of your lines a little bit cause the rhythm gets a bit jumbled, but other than that it's perfectly fine.

Wow! This was perfect and it had a great message. BTW, the pic on my profile is Kenshin. Besides writing, I have a passion for anime and games also. ^_^


~Heart of the Sword

yeah, i get it already, but the words i've heard a million times already don't help. i can't help myself, no one can, and nothing you can write will change that. also, i would try formatting your poems so they work in stanzas, you're much more likely to get reviewers that way.