   the sacred night 2006-07-14 . chapter 2Nice touch, making the kitsune unsure whether Yun will save her or not, but after she fed her, what else would she do?
"The back of the neck was a sensual place in Japanese culture, so if a man were to try and get too close to her."If they tried to get too close, what? You just kind of stopped midsentence. Also, when you say the kitsune wasn't concerned for the fate of the human, "but after all the kindness that had been shown to her." After all that kindness... what? You stopped midsentence again. If you're stopping midsentence on purpose, you should probably use three dots instead of a period, so it looks like the character is trailing off midsentence instead of the author just making a mistake.
I was worried there would be het for a minute, with the kitsune's reaction to the captain, but apparently it was an enchantment... whew! It was kind of a cheesy move at the end to just go "oh by the way it's this powder stuff" though, so you should probably work on making it fit into the flow of the story better, like say something about it a bit earlier, or just have Yun devote a bit more thought to it so it doesn't look like a blatant instance of the author going "oh, you need to know this!" |
| the sacred night 2006-07-14 . chapter 1 Aww this looks like it will be a sweet story. I look forward to more.
I have a little suggestion for the line when you say Yun "hadn't adopted the ways of the western Buddhists." Technically, Buddhism's place of origin *is* west of Japan, but when you say "western" the assumption is that it's from Europe. Granted, you didn't capitalize "western," so you're not technically wrong there, but it might confuse some readers. |
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