Excellent! Great twist at the end. I found the rhythm and flow of this short to be gripping and exciting. Great homage to the spirit of Mary Sue.
Now you'll have to do one on Munchkins.
Lowell

Muahahahaha. I had no idea where this was going until the end... marvelous.

Long trip for a short day at the beach i/r/t the Mary Sue gag.

Anumati's review is order of the day for the rest of it.

Cute, but certainly not your usual caliber. I'll get the harsh stuff out of the way first. Your action is decent, but your descriptions which work beautifully in emotion and theme just clog the flow up when things start to move fast. Use powerful, direct (Not necessarily short, but it helps) sentences. I know you have a very distinct image in your head, but let some of it go and let the reader fill in the spaces. Also, the present-tense, while a good experiment, irks me to no end.

On the other hand, your concept was EXCELLENT! A literal, intentional Mary-Sue is a brilliant stroke of satire ("Make it look like a hate crime" -- love it. Does everyone hate M-S's or is it just us?)

"Bullets tear through the piano in a spray of shattered splinters..." I really like this one, but "shattered splinters" is a little redundant. Not bad...