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| Dark Chronicler 2004-12-13 ch 7,  | abuseThis one was my favourite. Go you! |
| Robyn D 2004-07-13 ch 2, | abuseone thing i forgot to mention about the previous one was the confusion of images at the beginning. there was too much description of emotions and feelings with very little physical description to give it a reference in the reader's mind. Gets confusing after a time. sorry, on to this story. k, these are really short, and while that isn't bad, right now it's just a little too confusing. You are setting the scenes well EMOTIONALLY, but that's about it. I'm not getting any physical imagery. also, since they are so short, setting the scene well isn't doing anything. You've captured my interest but then fumbled it by ending the story too early before explaining anything. YOU might know what's going on because you wrote it, but i haven't a clue. The stories leave me unfullfilled and wanting more. Sort of annoying really. :D Basically, you have talent, that much is evident. So USE it. Write me a longer story. expand one of these and show me what you are capable of. Your ability to write stories is evident from your first one, while your ability to write drama is evident from this story. Combine these talents and write something truly amazing. That's pretty much all i've got to say, i'll read the other stories, but i'm probably not going to review because it'll just be the same thing. Best of luck. Robyn |
| Robyn D 2004-07-13 ch 1, | abuseindeed, quite the little short story. but then again, i never favoured my teacher's opinion that a short story could have chapters. One thing of many that struck me about your story was your word choice. rarely have i read a story where it appears as if someone has actually researched synonyms with a thesaurus. for the most part, these words work, but sometimes, they just sorta feel wrong. this would have been fine, but you didn't expand on it. if you attribute strong emotions like this to a common place occurence such as footsteps, perhaps you should expand on it. why were they ill-fated? seemed fine to me since the boy got work and got paid for it... it's almost as if you were foreshadowing but forgot to include the event that was foreshadowed. i'm rambling so i'm going to move on. this one of my favorite lines because it fits in so well with what came before, the reference to insanity. It was well done and an excellent example of expanding your existing word choice. this simple description conjures so many delicious imageries that it really adds a new dimension to your story. i'm assuming this is what you were trying to achieve with the first one, but alas, it fell short of the mark. this story was nice, but you included so many interesting ideas that this has a lot of room to expand. perhaps create a short story from it with chapters (despite my dislike of applying that term to a longer writing). anywho, off to the next chapter robyn |
| FranceGamble 2003-06-10 ch 2, | abuseThat one was slightly confusing. But I liked it anyway. I hope you keep writing these small stories. I'll watch for them. France |
| FranceGamble 2003-06-10 ch 1, | abuseInteresting story. I like your way of writing already. France |