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| Hopechest 2004-01-29 ch 1,  | abuseDescriptively, it’s quite good, but it uses too many short sentences. Break it up more often with the occasional compound sentence. A few times you also miss capitalizing the start of a sentence. For example: [When she felt a distinct calmness from him she went in. it was unnaturally comfortable but she ignored the feeling and found a soft area to sleep on.] It’s also confusing. Her flight from Raksha, why her planet is in danger, where exactly she is and from where and to where she’s running, then her sudden decision to go back to Raksha, Aspen’s transformation, etc. is all tossed at the reader suddenly. There’s little explanation, and the ending was too abrupt. It’s a good concept, however, but would do better fleshed out as a short novella than a one shot story imo. Finally, start a new paragraph when a new speaker is talking. For example: [“Aurora, I am so glad that you have returned to me. Are you here to submit to my power?” He smiled as he spoke this, just like the serpent he is. “I have come to destroy you.” She said with confidence. She didn’t know why she was confident but supposed she trusted the amulets power. He frowned but then suddenly laughter danced in his eyes. “You really think you have the power to destroy me.”] |
| oniyasha 2003-06-10 ch 1, anon. | abusethats very good just remember to watch spelling |