Some of it rhymes... and some of it doesn't. It's good though, great imagry, and i can already see a story forming.

Though, may I flame a bit?

Try to keep the sentences the same size, otherwise a great line will be streached and strained. NAd if the rest rhymes, then the ones that don't really stand out, unless you want that then, you do the right thing going.

Even though i flame, I still like the poem though _

Keep writing!

the description in here is great... keep writing0)