Did you expand this story from a dream you had? In my opinion, it would be much more enjoyable if you would explain where this story is coming from...I almost stopped reading cause I didn't understand the first few paragraphs. However, I began to just read and an event began to unfold rather than a story.

Anyway, you got a great imagination. Peace.

You wrote THIS last year?**!I gotta work on my writting skills...It was really good...quite different from your other stories but still really good.
xoxox,
Jessicka

Very good idea. However, it usually isn't a good idea to bring nack such an old story when yur writing is developping. Style here needs some work, and it gets a bit confusing at times. Also, the clichés need to die. But great ideas.

wow u are such a good writer, and u wrote this a year ago? damn
u have great potential, and that is no lie. Keep writing baby

love from mitch