I totally love Forever Dawn already! This is so worth writing a longer version. I am already hooked.

The beginning was hard to get the hang of and some sentences were sort of choppy and didn't flow smooth, but the majority of it was good. I like the idea, but it took me the whole chapter to get into it. Now that I'm in it, though, I want to know more. I think you should elaborate on this, add more at the beginning and finish it up.
happy hunting,
~Midnight Predator~
ps: Thanks for the review, I'm glad you like the story. Yes you can add me, it doesn't effect me at all, only the amount of email you get.

Nicely written. The story is interesting so far so please continue.

So far I like what I've read. Some of your opening sentences were a bit long, but after that I fell into your style. In one or two places your tense also changed. Just watch for that. Good work.

Lowell