Carla looks like she could cause some very interesting trouble. There are two suggestions I have. One, specify within the first paragraph what Dalton is doing and perhaps even how much time has passed since we last saw him. Two, take a little more time to introduce the characters that really appear in this chapter.

Take a little more time to create the setting and use a few more details, particulary at the begining. Also, make it clearer quicker that Dalton is interested in Serena, but shouldn't be. I like the playful dialouge between the two. It fits perfectly.

hey steph!! so this is the story you wrote in the summer while i was there! it's pretty cool! i really like it!i guess i'll talk to you later...
p.s.tell steve i said hi!
he is so cute!! lol...

Uh...what the heck happened to the chappie?

trust me, you will definitly get more detailed information on the body next chapter it might take a while though cause im trying to write a character list for shadow and ice for all those confused people out there

Pretty good chappie. But next time make it longer please. Well, updtae soon please.

I could've gone for more descriptions of the body and the crime scene, would've had more of an impact on me. I hope you'll explain more to us in following chapters!

~He Who Walks On All Fours

Excellent start. You've got some good characters and settings (they must be if I can't understand some of the British colloquialisms), and I'm very interested in finding out more about this story!

~He Who Walks On All Fours

i like it so much steph, its really good. sounds like you have let my csi obsession get to you, lol. keep writing, i can't wait to read the rest, especially cause its not a senseless bloodbath fantasy ;-)

Decent writing, individual descriptions were there but a little overdone. No background information at all on whatever the heck is going on here does not exactly make me want to continue reading this. Why did Dalton leave Serena behind? Who are these other people, and what relation do these murders have to all of them? I'm sure you'll bring all of this back up later, but to keep the reader interested, you should try to answer some of them in the beginning.

hey Steph, i thought your story was really good so far! i can't wait till you finish it;it's very interesting! anyway... i wanna go see steve pitch!! he's so cute!! well good luck with your story! your favorite cousin ~Leah~

This was very nice. I loved it.

...did you get inspired from CSI? sounds good anyway... hey, poor dalton is mostly surrounded by chicks. i feel bad for him... NOT. heheheh. write more.

Good chappie...nice cliffhanger. Update soon please.

Good so far...update soon please.