Reviews for HalfBreed - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: HalfBreed - Reviews: Page 1 of 15

atreyu love 2008-06-21 ch 69,	i cant believe Thyi died :( thats so sad. but i loved the story:) and it took me two days to read :D but i enjoyed every moment! but it was sad that Thyi AND Cavenn died. but they can be together.
atreyu love 2008-06-21 ch 55,	Cavenn died? noo!! that definitely can not happen :(
atreyu love 2008-06-21 ch 52,	Auren and Rune! YES!!
atreyu love 2008-06-21 ch 49,	OMG. I DIDNT EXPECT THAT! i love Archer! and theyre twins :) thats so sweet :) I love the story :D
atreyu love 2008-06-21 ch 43,	i love Cavenn too :D hes so sweet with Thyi :D
atreyu love 2008-06-21 ch 34,	Archer is soo adorable :D and he kisses her unexpectedly XD haha. I love Archer :D
atreyu love 2008-06-21 ch 28,	aww. Archer and Kye. that is soo cute:D
atreyu love 2008-06-20 ch 11,	i love the story :) and cavenn seems really cool! and i feel really bad that her fathers daggers were lost :(
Alexandra 2007-02-18 ch 70,	This story was very good. You are right in saying that the ending might need a little revising, the very very ending needs..idk..a little more "umph" i geuss. But, the development and descriptions in this story were amazing. i would defently recommend this to anyone who asked.
awestruck4 2006-09-12 ch 70,	Well, I must say that this story has the potential to improve immensely. Initially, the story started out great & hooked me in, but I nearly lost interest from the middle-ish to the end of the story. Here are some things I think you could consider to enhance your story:1. Work on your grammar-there are quite a lot of mistakes (work on transitioning from one character's thoughts to another; in most cases it felt like you were talking about Rune, then jumped to Thyi, then Cavenn in just a few sentences--it all seemed so jumpy & incoherent to me)2. Quicken the pace of the story-I think you spent too much of the story on explaining what happened to the characters as they journeyed to their destination OR you could add excitement to their journey by adding more obstacles to impede their progress3. Revise the battle scene-it seemed too easy to believe that Rune defeated Reyden without much effort; consider including more of Auren fighting, the elf, Archer, Kye, etc.4. Revise the epilogue-it'd be nice to know what happened to each of the characters (include a more thorough description) It seemed too hasty & sloppy especially with the sudden "relationship" between Sadei & KyeThose are the suggestions that I could think of for now. YOu have such good ideas, but it just needs revision to maintain a solid plot & to capture the readers' attention all the way to the end. Hope it was helpful. I still like the story, of course. :)
dani-sgga 2006-07-24 ch 70,	hello! dont know if u remeber me... im an avid insert foot reader (just so u know, ur little hiatus is really depressing me... that story is MY DRUG lol) and well ive read this story to pass time. now i shall give u the c.c. u asked for. first of all, i liked ur story. i think it was good and has SO MUCH POTENTIAL-- if worked on and edited,i could venture to say that publishing it wouldnt be such a far-fetched notion. but to the c.c>its actually quite a lot... so ill only say the major parts, if ud like to know the rest. let me know. 1st: structure-70 chapters is just too much, and considering that overall they on the most part are not that long u would do well trying to out them together. 2nd: descriptions-u did not the characters any justice--as well as the scenery... eg1: i dont think u ever gave a clear description of auren/but serisouly ur creating a whole new world... there is so much history to it that u need to describe/explain (whats up with all the tribes? why are the elves so aloof and have there never been any other confrontations between the magical creatures-cuz their certainly is an animosity between them-? what exactly is a sword-singer?). 3rd: loopholes-the most glarinly obvisou one how did archer survive the attack? run wne her whole life thinking his dead so how did he survive?? 4th: the ending... i have no problem with all the deaths (they were painful but in the end, needed) but not only are the chapters COMPLETELY RUSHED so that it makes u almost not want to keep reading cuz u feel like so much is missing but also the hole "is it all over?" thing is too cliche and it leaves u (or the reader i guess lol) completely emty, with no feeling of closure at all... thats all i can thinkg of. all in all.. i enjoyed it. ive noticed that ur writing now has changed a bit, so all the stuff i pointed out is probably a lack of experience, ur writing has matured so i guess im judging this story with a bit of a bias cuz i know what ur capable of. even so, fantasy becomes u... u do really well on it. u claim to find writing humour hard (which i can understand completly, i have tried to do so numerous time and have failed every single time), i cannot believe u could think the same of fantasy and still be able to write a 70 chapter story... perhaps now i shall read death, inc... if u want to hear more of my thoughts, send me and email... i have good ones too! lol... i just thought that it would be more productive (even though not appreciated =P) to tell u what i, at least, believe could be improved. ~dani
Netts 2006-07-03 ch 70,	ok so you want critisism i will try my best to help you. the begining is awesome is it very intreging. i dont know but i think you could have added a little more emotion even though they werent close but really rune was all that the sister had left as of family. i deffintly didnt like the idea of cavenn dieing it me off ( but it was a good thing to add made the story more personal in a way so thumbs up) one thing thought that i truly thought was stupid was the fact the Kye and archer dodnt get to gether and if you wanted to break them up then there should be a better reason cause they were like perfect and i really despise the ending cause of it. ok so then we have your hero who i feel you did not honor properly(cheese words but im tiered) because you let her and auren with only 4 lines i think you should at lest give them half a page of the wedding or go to the didtant futuer with them together with the 2 kids i mean seriously that was truuly wrong. but i am reall depressed on how it ended with archer i mean the por guy goes through all this just to have the girl leave him for someone she doesnt love(that was wrong to do) anyhow i have more but i think i have said enough. and over all your story was awesome just needs a little tweaking love the battle scene(could of put more though) fell free to send me an email (to justify yourself or anyother need) romance_or_poetry@hotmail.com
Netts 2006-06-22 ch 3,	wow way to go
Netts 2006-06-22 ch 1,	neet this is a good start
moonet 2006-02-23 ch 69,	Lovely story, quite great, but it's also lengthy. Though I did enjoy reading it. In your last chapter, when Caethyl and Rune were talking about Thyi. The way you stated her death, was good. and in the next paragraph you firmly stated the fact that she was dead, and buried under a rosebush. When you talk about her death like that, it will make a person think, as they have been impacted. By thinking I realise, that somehow subtly situations led Thyi to her death and caused by herself. Of course, it never stopped my fantasy of another hardened guy softening both himself and her in another story. Another thing is, I think Archer's personality kind of shifted after Kye went to find help from her people. I'm not saying that it's not good, since it did aid you in finishing the story, but it was so glaringly obvious to me and I wondered why he needed a change in personalities? Refine his thoughts and his actions a bit, kind of a lengthy process to do, but it'll be good. Even if you want to make him shift certain aspects of his personality then do so in a subtle way. Other than Archer, another guy whom i feel his character also shifted was Auren. The feeling he got from me at the end of the story was that he was so pliant and sort of soft, too soft. A very drastic change from his hardened days in the past. Nobody in reality can change in that manner. For even love cannot change a person wholly. Auren can certainly be willing to do all sorts of things for Rune, but don't use words that make him seem so weak, always caring for her, bending his will to hers, which is not like him at all. It's like, he's not a man anymore. Check your vocabulary when dealing with Auren and Archer, use proper words that give the correct emotion.

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