I was looking through the list of stories just to see how far one of mine was on the list, and happened to notice this didn't have a review.
You get points for doing something I hadn't seen on here before. But I dunno what else I can give you credit for. Half of this piece, perhaps more, isn't even your writing. I think I might have enjoyed this better if it were written like offical stage directions or something, rather than resembling more closely a poem. I mean, anyone who doesn't know the lyrics of the song would get the impression that a lot of this is your writing.
But as far as the concept you had with this piece, i'll say its good.