Nii-iice. ^_^ Definitely going to finish this one out. ^_^

the ending was not what i expected i expected aleyn to be rewarded immortality for destroying the plot to over throw the king.Amazing story!

1.) "well, I thought it would be obvious Aleyn (Aleyn recognized words from a previous discussion)," First off, there's a comma before "Aleyn". But more importantly, I don't understand at all what you mean by the part in parenthesis. Isn't he speaking English? Then what words wouldn't she understand instantly?? I'm confused!! Also, you do realize how drastically you've altered Demarn's personality lately, right?
2.) "Demarn, you’re my friend right?" When did THIS happen? He didn't seem real friendly in the forest...
3.) How did Robyn end up in the garden with them? I thought she was going to leave them alone for a while... Also, how far away from Rowen did Aleyn go, to get captured?
4.) Interesting, about his eyes and ears.
5.) "Each of the 13 elves" 14. (The King IS an elf, you know!)
Got to run! Thanks for the chapters!

1.) "Sortis Quteisre or Sortis Quteisre was..." Why do you repeat this, when you aren't actually translating??
2.) "She hadn’t spoken to him since she had woke" woken.
3.) "To him, drawing was a way out of his world by simply drawing up a new one, even if it looked exactly like the one he lived in, if he drew it, he could filter out the parts he didn’t like." This is another too-long sentence, but I really like the concept. Perhaps adding "for" or "because" between "in" and "if" would help.
4.) "I think she considers you a pet." HAHA!! That's great!!
5.) "The clothes fit well, and were surprising warm..." surprisingly
6.) "A creature with flowing ebony hair..." It's odd that you keep calling the Elves "creatures". It just sounds... less intellegent, I guess. Like they're monsters or something, which isn't really what you intend, I'm sure.
7.) Typo: "about an two inches taller her brother"
8.) The incident with the pastries seems a bit... overdone, perhaps? It's amusing, but I think you could tone it down a bit and get the same result.
9.) "They were unshod, there long toes standing out" their long toes.
10.) "They repeated the same phrase over and over again until; quite unexpectedly the entire congregation fell silent." This is one of those times that semicolon's DON'T work. :) (Never fails, hey?). Try surrounding "quite unexpectly" with commas, instead.
You've got a really interesting story! I know I've got a LOT more to read, before I get caught up, but I'll make it someday! And if my extravagently long reviews bother you, just email me and I'll stop. I just figure that this kind of review if more helpful than "This is cool! I want more!". But if you feel otherwise, just let me know.
Thanks again,
Ruatha

Hello again!
1.) Typo: "the minute crept by like hours"
2.) "He was acting differently then he had before, he was almost as nervous as she was but of course she was clueless as to why." Ugh! Punctuation, please!! This long run-on-ish sentence is so unlike you! Clean it up.
3.) "if I get there in time, and explain about you, maybe I’ll get away with it, but you know there is only so much they can do to me, last night I was supposed to be in my rooms." Ditto! Break it into two sentences, or use some dashes.
4.) "The Call" Very cool idea!
5.) That kiss was rather sudden -- and probably a bad idea, since they WERE praying ang Demarn WAS there...
6.) Ah.. So Demarn DOES have emotions besides cruelty and jesting.
Very nice, once again! Thanks!

Hey there. My supercomputer's down for a bit, so I'm reading this instead! YEA!!
1.) "an Soliquin forest" a, not an.
2.) "why would you need help Rowen" comma before 'Rowen'.
3.) Be careful to use enough commas. Throw one in anytime you breath, basically. For example: "He didn’t understand why but he really desired for her to go." There should be a comma between 'why' and 'but'. I've noticed a few other, similar mistakes. It might help you if you read through your story aloud (that's what I do.)
4.) Typo! "Aleyn had asked a once why he had helped her" That 'a' shouldn't be there.
5.) "Demarn’s eyes, while similar to Rowen’s as a brother’s eyes would be, were nothing like his at all." First you say their eyes are similar, but then you say they're not alike at all? That doesn't make sense!!
6.) I like how Aleyn plays along and convinces Demarn not to get in their way. Well done. You're really broadening her character nicely. :)
Ok... The computer's back to being it's usual cantankerous self, so I need to work. See ya!

"don’t you hate it when u review something you thought was perfect then realize there are lots of mistakes?" HAHA!! YES! You have no idea how many times I've read over and reviewed 'Sirach' (my story), and still I find errors. Oh well! That's why you put it up here for review, right?
On to the comments:
1.) "his eyes fell on the young girl he had decided to watch until she had woken". Verb tense. It should be "until she woke".
2.) I'm surprised Rowen fell asleep. You'd think he'd be wary with this Man girl around... I did like how he sketched her, though.
3.) "Aleyn was well...just a little bit...bewildered." Shouldn't this be it's own little section? Since you're switching perspectives between characters, I mean?
4.) "dialect of Latin" I really like this phrase, and it's fairly accurate, although you do realize that English is as much Germanic as it is Latin, right?
5.) "To our own where are the Soliquin." "we are", instead of "where"??
6.) I like the explanation about the screaming rabbits. And I'm interested to see why Aleyn can hear them, since (I presume) most humans can't.
7.) "e fey en soir means “elf in the night” in French" AH! Thank you!!
I still love your story! It's going to take me a while to get through it, but I'll get there some day. Promise!

Oh! Elves! I love elves! And a fancy foreign title that I can't understand, too!! :) Ok. I always edit and comment as I read, so here we go!
1.) "The man’s voice was thick with ugly scorn that he made no show of hiding, “this is foolish..." 'This' should be capitalized, since you're starting a new spoken sentence.
2.) "why in heavens name would you want to pass that on to your child!" It's "heaven's", first off. Also, there should be a questionmark somewhere.
3.) " "because," he leaned forward..." Capitalize, again. (I'm not going to comment on this mistake, if you make it again. I figure you can follow the pattern!)
4.) How much time passes between when her father leaves and the dogs bring her the hat? It seems like none at all, which is kind of confusing.
5.) How sad (about the father's murder)! By the way, I haven't commented much, but you've got a lovely writing style. And beyond the capitalization problem mentioned above, your grammar's good, too.
6.) "his elder and most annoying brother." 'eldest', if he's got more than one (as is suggested by 'most')
7.) "squashed him into submission" HAHAHA!! I love this phrase!! And it's good to see that they're horsing around, like good little (or big!) boys do!
8.) "Rowen stood, his ribs creaking and sucked in a heaving breath." 'his ribs creaking' is it's own phrase, so it should be surrounded by commas on BOTH sides.
9.) Ditto for "being a boastful young man"
10.) "the dying mist" Awkward. When was the mist alive?
11.) "Rowen or Prince Rowen Exniard Tarkis is the youngest son..." 'was', not 'is', since you've been using past tense. Actually, this whole paragraph is rather confusing. You might want to take another look at it.
12.) Ew! Muck is nasty... (I've had too many experiences pushing our sailboat out of shallow mucky, muddy water.)
13.) "The city of Tysthmarth is absolutely in-navigable in the early afternoon..." Again, you've got to decide whether you're telling the story in past tense, or present. If you DO want to add such narration, I'd suggest splitting it off from the rest of the story by a horizontal line, or italics, or something. Also, I suspect you know, but 'in-navigable' isn't really a word! ;-)
14.) "2 years ago..." Write out any number under twenty, please.
15.) "if --and when she was sold." Either use dashes on BOTH sides of 'and when' or neither.
16.) Are you using "Madam" or "Madame"? You switch back and forth!
17.) Typo: "Aleyn couldn’t help but me amused" be, not me
18.) I like how Robyn talks to Rowen. :) Very sisterly. Well done! Actually, I don't think I commented on this before, but I really like Rowen, in general.
19.) "your lucky you’re my favorite" It should be "you're", in both cases.
Wow! 19 comments! I think that's a new record for me (that's what you get when you write LONG chapters!). Seriously, though, I hope you don't get offended by my grammar corrections. I'm sort of a freak about that. (Don't hold it against me!) I really like your story, though, and plan to read the rest once I have time. :) Alas, I've got to get my work done now, though! Thanks for writing!

oh wow long chapter hehe but yes nice story you have here ... are you a grammar freak, too? LOL so am i ahahaha 'cuz iono i can't stand it when people do bad grammar and spelling in their stories but hey ... look at this review =P i don't do it 4 myself i just let loose and screw the grammar hehe ;)

so yeah i like this whoa it's long ... could take me a while hehe read and review my story if you get the chance i don't think it's quite as long as yours hehe "protector"
~k8

Hey!
That's so neat. I like how Rowen has human tendencies..(i.e. nevres)
keep it up!

ok 1st things 1st I like the story i think it's great. read the whole thing start to finish in one sitting wheni should have been studying a sociology test, that means it was that good, since i love sociology, i love the way you handled the "constructive" critism of the 13 yr old prick. and for being brave enough to submiting more than one chapter to this site. and i can't wait to read what you have next to write about. (if their are any misspelled wrods or words used in corredtly, sue me, my professors give me good grades on my papers) good luck

Can I have your e-mail to continue this if you feel you must? I'll give you mine if yours is real.

Once again, the slop bucket analogy rises to mind. Well, the Frenchness cropping up all the time made it a bit of a wonderment. A typist ought to know by now that spellcheckers don't catch everything. What about: "One by one, the card passed her." Meaning she was in a race. The typist's fingers got mixed and they hit a d instead of an s. The spellchecker would not catch it because card is in fact a word. Get my picture? Impressionist painting is annoying and I avoid it like the plague. You ought to care what your spellings are because people won't publish you if your works are hard to interpret or otherwise unreadable. You can look the altar alter thing up on dictionary.com, I'm bloody well right. And you brought up the impressionist painting thing, so you deserve an impressionistic sort of way. By teh way, if anyone analyzed your story by looking at all the dots, they'd probably end up seeing a puddle or possibly a Hooloovoo, and neither of which are terribly interesting or engaging. So learn to take criticism. Oh, and Orion Alai kicks butt, including yours. And I haven't been calling you on every mistake. There isn't enough memory backing up this website to contain all the things I could find incorrect with your writing. You must live in a crappy state, and I'm 15. Oct. 8, 1988.

I just do

I've eaten ice cream off the floor, is that similar? I'd like to point out that I am younger than you. It's just as fair for me to be yelling at you as vice versa. Whoever thought you sounded a professor was wandering in the wits. More like a person who's had a slop bucket emptied on their head.