I loved those last two lines. Nice touch.


~Heart of the Sword

Amen, that really makes you stop and think about just how precious a resource water is in this world, Keep writing
Yours in randomness!
RG

this is so true cos it happens in the world where they have to go miles for just muddy water thatmakes them ill. i just hope this wont happen to us.
(were you meant to write trying instead of tying cos it doesnt make sense)
other than that is has good feeling and reaL TRUTH which is very important

Well, i change what i said about you being cheery, very depressing but still pretty good..im not that into poetry or i d give a better review with more advice. Youre pretty god at it,
Good Job:)
-Artie

Good poem and very affecting. I really like your premise.

Ah...because Fictionpress is being stupid and won't let me leave another review on your war poem, I found the poem I was thinking about - another war poem with poppies, which only happens to be the most memorable war poem ever written. It's called "In Flander's Field". Here's the actual work for you -

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

I'm not sure...it seems like your poem is too close to this one for comfort. Just my opinion - I'll let your consceince decide for you, though.

Okay. About this poem. "Tying" should be "trying", and I really don't understand why this had a rating of PG...at all. Also, it's really lacking in description...I dunno, I think it's more one of those "Imagine this..." scenarios than a poem.

Sorry - you wanted critique...!

Anyway, that's all I have to say about that.

~Namir Swiftpaw