(i love your writing)

Interesting. Your stream of consciousness is really more like a waterfall running in two directions. The poem isn't the sort I usually like, but it's good.
And yes, there is some relation to the Sisial.

Ha! That's awesome! WOW, it's like you were writing it as you went through your routine. Were you? It's really cool.
-RAL

Oy!

Funny poem, yet very interesting to read. I liked the baking soda part a lot. You should do these more often.

Joe

So cool. Gravity often works against us. Nice work.


~Heart of the Sword

oh! me likey! all your baking powder are belong to us! take the red pill! holy pop culture reference, batman!

It doesn't suck as much as the original.

Uh.. good job or something.

Yo've got the importance of the drab and quotidian thing going on, but then you kind of mess up the vibe with pseudodeep thought and that thought actually takes away from the significance of the poem because there's a lack of focus on the depth of the everyday but also no significant depth of the mind.
I can see ways to incorporate the kind of allusive navelgazing you're so fond of, but that would have to stand on it's own as a sort of rumination on rumination rather than ruminations on boring subjects. I think you're problem is that you're afraid to let things stand on their own. The parts of this poem all have some merit, but they obscure eachother as well.

That said, this second edition does draw some of the focus to the everyday that you're trying to describe. I can sense the skeleton of a good work here, which puts you above most writers your age.

I like it. It's kind of odd in some places, but then it goes back and makes it make sense. Not that the previous statement made sense... Oh well. And Gravity isn't exactly nice on any day of the week.

Metaphors be with you! Tchus and auf wiedersehen and I'll be leaving now.

-Kinata

Good job! This is among the best free verse poems that I have read. The words fit but are surprisingly random, with some logic. Makes no sense, but that is free verse. Great job! I must say, you have a great stream of consciousness. :)