this is very eloquent as always, faith. I like it how it is, but if I had to choose, it has the makings of a nice long poem. Try it out, and see what happens.

Love always,
Sara

It's hard to say whether you should leave it or make it longer...it seems complete standing on its own, but it would also make an awesome song. Anyroad, I love the metaphor and description. The 'ending' line is great.
~God bless~