FictionPress.com - let the words flow
| FictionPress.com - let the words flow |
|
| Home Just In Communities Forums Beta Readers Dictionary Search | Login Register Extras |
| NSMounts 2006-09-23 ch 1,  | abuseI think you have potential, but this story could use some work. For instance, you tend to shift verb tenses every paragraph or so. Sometimes, Sharon WAS doing something and the next moment she IS doing soemthing. Also, adverbs almost always take away from a story. Words like creepily aren't exactly that clear in expression. "...Creepily shadowed by the thin moon light..." What's creepily? I have a difficult time understanding how the trees are creepy because you are simply telling me they are creepy instead of showing me how they are creepy. As far as the story goes, it seemed a little flat because nothing really happened. Sharon is chasing her boogieman, whom she is apparently VERY tramatized by. Then she finds him, collapses, gets up as though nothing has happened and returns home to find (who'd have guessed?) the creepy man standing in her house waiting for her. Then we (the readers) learn than none of this actually took place, because it was all in her head. That's fine, but if it's in her head then let some interesting stuff happen! Show us why she is so afraid of this man. What role does he play in her life? Did she make him up, or was he the reason she was in the coma? I hope you don't think I am just trying to be mean and harsh, because I'm not. I can tell that you have some serious potential and that with practice you could evolve into an amazing author. Keep writing and read as much as possible. Stephen King's book "On Writing" would help you out a lot, I think. Your grammar was pretty good, but it never hurts to practice. Keep on writing! |
| Andlat 2005-02-04 ch 1, | abuseDidn't Stephen King write a short story by that name? (Just a thought…)Anyway, great story…I always like a good horror. ^_^ |
| Infamous Writer 2004-10-25 ch 1, | abuseAwwesome story here. The first sentence dragged me in and kept me reading. You had nice detail as well as the terror of each person's thoughts. Nice work with this; it could become a great novel if you make it longer, maybe. |
| Steve0 2004-08-30 ch 1, anon. | abuseHmm... Is there a reason this reads like a certain Stephen king novel...? nah... |
| dreamshell 2003-12-13 ch 1, | abuseWicked cool story. I like the vivid detailing of the woods and all. Wish I knew what had happened after the guy took of his hat, though. |
| furry creature 2003-10-20 ch 1, | abusereally good, although a few more paragraphs, like whenever someone speaks,definetly wouldnt go amiss.the character and time setting seemed to change a little,from present to past,etc. but other than that ,well done |