Interesting story you tell.

Finally a person who can write about "lost love" so to speak without it turning into, "oh woe! he´s left me! *sniff*"
This poem is beyond awesome. You´re really talented.
Raye

This happened to me.. my girlfriend had to bnreak up with me since she had to move to go to boarding school so i totally know what you mean... has this happened to you? It's kind of ehart breaking yet you odnt really take it offensively as she is seeing me enxt weekend, yay. Long distance is too hard... good poem

well this is sort of a review for all your stuff...but i just wanted to say its really good! and you've really got the wohle ryhming thing down. keep going! :)

I can really relate to this one. I am on a reading spree! Mwahaha.
*Briley*

I normally don't like romantic-ish poems. I just don't--they always seems so cliche. This one, however, is so much more alive; more vibrant, somehow. Part of it could be that I could hear it in my head as a rap song. (My deepest apologies if you don't like rap.) I think of all your poems, this is the one I've enjoyed the most, so far.

Ok, to tell you the truth, I liked this piece much better than the previous one I reviewed.. Reason why I reviewed the previous one - obligation..
Anyway, this without a doubt was good **.. Great choice of words, and I guess the structure intrigued me as well..
Double meaning, yes I kinda got both.. Oh yes, good imagery, and scene portrayal..
Rhyming sounded more or less natural at most points and its a good thing that you can rhyme without sacrificing content.. On that part, I congratulate you..
Some of the lines that I loved, and felt they were well crafted were, "sight of twilight, my trachea impaled with a funnel" I don't agree with the funnel bit though.. Its quite a forced image..
"A fool for wishing a kiss under that shooting star, listen
..I'm sorry
I didn't wish that we didn't have this distance between our lips' vicious ambition"
Gotta admit, that last line was rather interestin, if not powerful and moving..
Great job on this..

~Shadafakup

Hey,

Sorry I'm not reviewing the pieces you asked me to, but this one just struck me more.

This has some lovely lines, and some feelings expressed very well on paper.

I think maybe that sometimes you're trying to say too much in one sentance or the sentances are too complex. For example: "I didn't wish that we didn't have this distance between our lips'vicious ambition" is a lovely sentiment, and understandable, but could be made simpler and still have the same amount of meaning and impact. It's just making it more accessible for the reader, I guess.

Also, you're using punctuation very sporadically. I'm not sure if this is intentional or not. As a non-abstract poem, maybe this could do with just a little more conventional punctuation.

Otherwise, I really enjoyed reading this. I love the 'lips' vicious ambition'- it's a very clever piece of wording.

Mia

whoo, I liked that! What to say? I'm not seeing anything you could improve upon... good job!

hey, BTW thanx 4 ur reveiw.
i did like this poem alot, unique i reckon.
im gonna add u 2 my fav list.
keep it up,
siobhan

Love is a potent emotion, ne?

I'm a bit confused about the formatting, but I like the meaning behind the words. The speaker has an interesting way of thinking.

i liked that you pulled off the rhyming without sounding childish or corny. that can be difficult.
i think my favorite line is, "you/know the sky was black that night I saw your light at the end of the tunnel"

Talk about subliminal messages... It's good. Some of the flow was messed up a little but it's still good.

Very nice. I like the idea of the "second meaning" though the format of this poem is a bit off with the "tunnel" and "ambition" being on the next line.

A fool for wishing a kiss under that shooting star, listen
..I'm sorry
I didn't wish that we didn't have this distance between our lips' vicious
ambition

i love that part...bits and peices of the beginning seemed to long, and in some places the line rhymed with itself, but its a good poem (sorry i get really nitpicky about making poems flow) i like it alot