nice grammer here. u could have done better, but i still like the idea your trying to convey. who is it that saw u, ur crushed?

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Why. Why am I torturing myself?

"I see while my friends surprised me by leaving the caferteria to get my presents."

Um...that sentence makes no sense. Seriously. What word should have "see" been? I watch? I sit? I stand? Anything would have worked better than "see"!

Why noticeable? ...It should have been important, or loved, or special, or something. Noticeable was not the right word to use here.

I don't mean to sound rude, but is English your second language? Sometimes, when I read your poems, I wonder about this. You really don't seem to have a great grasp on the grammar, nor do you have a good grasp on vocabulary.

Sorry if that offends you - I'm just curious.

Keep practicing...and please, please take some of my advice. My only desire is for you to become a better writer.

Namir Swiftpaw