Reviews for Royal Trepidations

Reviews For: Royal Trepidations - Reviews: Page 1 of 89

entity.unkown 2008-07-09 ch 27,	abusejudging by the last update, it's been past...almost four months now. xD no pressure, just my addiction to your story speaking out. but good chapter anyways =]
entity.unkown 2008-07-09 ch 26,	abusepersonally, though i did enjoy 'queen of glass', i enjoyed your story more. i think i was put off by the main characters' offhand regard of...intimacy. your writing is very smooth, so far, i haven't come across an awkward sentence. keep writing!
For What Its Worth 2008-07-02 ch 27,	abuseWell, you certainly weren't exaggerating when you said the first lot of chapters were not to be used as a basis to judge the rest of the content. Though it wasn't QUITE as bad as you made it seem. I was really cringing for a bit. :) The soldiers' hope of the union of Torrine and Ara is hilarious. Not as hilarious as Torrine determined to stand aside for Leones, though. That was a work of art. Evidence of two competent generals. I did notice that Leones didn't tell the Light of Hephestia that Crown Prince Vicant was the one doing the usurping. It wouldn't have been at all conducive to winning the aid of their army. Maerdon is absent. Yet his grandson grew up with the prince. One wonders who his son is. And whether that was a spark when Leones and Princess Light met. Well, until you next update! :)
anonymous 2008-06-22 ch 27, anon.	abusePlease keep writing. I really like reading this story and am really intrigued as to how it will end.
J.T. Baever 2008-04-06 ch 27, anon.	abuseWow...okay. It HAS been a while. Hi! D'you remember me from eons ago? I'm Baever/Beaver (though really not so much anymore, to be honest) So where to begin? I guess first off, I'll start by congratulating you on your MARVELOUS RETURN! HOORAYY! You have no idea how happy I am that you've started writing here again. I'm happy for your readers but especially happy for you. And proud too, of course. :D And I know it sounds odd, but I feel like a stranger here now. I don't come here anymore, and by some strange stroke of luck I found your update randomly out of the blue today. And honestly, after I type this to you I will most likely disappear. I haven't written anything for FP in years and doubt I ever will again. I don't think I'm cut out for the FictionPress crowd anymore. In fact, I'll probably delete my account soon. But I hope you never will. I hope you stay and finish your wonderful story and write and rewrite and rewrite until it makes it to a bookstore shelf. I hope you've grown much in yourself and your writing during these past few years as I have and continue to do so. And lastly, I hope you remember that YOU are who you write for. Readers are wonderful, certainly, but they should never be your primary motivation. Don't let anything sway you from the story you want to tell. Let it be for your love that the words be put on paper (computer screen, word processor, what have you, etc.) It's comforting knowing that you're back. Truly, I feel quite blessed to read you again and to know that you still write. KEEP WRITING! I don't think I got the chance to fully encourage you before. ;) Always your friend in words, J.T. Baever (though it's not really my pen name so much anymore, to be honest) :D Oh!...and update soon.
Essie 2008-04-03 ch 27, anon.	abuseWoah!! 2 years!! Somehow i still remember vaguely what this story is about but if you gave us a brief summary of all the chapters and what has happened so far that would be ebtter. Welcome back!
rosieroo 2008-03-20 ch 1,	abusewell then, ive decided to reread it!! IM SO HAPPY UR BACK!! i would start reading now, but its midnight and i need to be up early tomorrow. by the way, i was doing happy dances around the room when i found out you had updated!! YOU R SO AWESOME!
MZ PEACHESZZ 2008-03-18 ch 1,	abuseMy review was supposed to say one thousand plus reviews but FP is retarded sometimes. My bad! Also, think about character interaction development- so not just between T and A but between A and her father or some character that may not be in love with her but is still important in the scheme of things. At this point, it is more about injecting realism into your story. Looking forward to the next update!
MZ PEACHESZZ 2008-03-18 ch 27,	abuseMan, I can not believe you are back! This story has been almost 5 years in the making. Okay, so I already love your story and I think Torrine is great and blah blah blah. Now it's time for the constructive notes which will assist you if you are entertaining any idea of publishing this work: First, and I'm sure you know this, it's hard. Really, really hard and you probably will not even get a second read if you do not seriously edit this story inside and out. The premise is good, the writing is good- but it needs to be refined, polished. You need to be more consistent with your development- your character development has thus far been a bit irrational, sporadic and childlike- even though A and T are both stubborn and harbor childhood resentment, that is by no means an invitation to downgrade their emotions- you have to more artistically track their progress. A bit more show than tell, if you get my gist. You also can not flit between 3-4 different places with only a paragraph or two in between within one chapter/update segment. It is a bit juvenile and unrefined unless you can do it well. Most authors switch places/povs from chapter to chapter unless they are establishing a certain cadence or unique writing style. Your story is, well a story, so it would be more appropriate to continue it in a more conventional manner. Things read a lot differently on FP than on script, so beware of that. You also need to get rid of the unnessary bolded words that litter your earlier chapters, I believe. Again, in order to be taken seriously, you need to employ a certain degree of professionalism that is evident in all published works that you read. That means taking care of mechanical/grammatical errors, awkward sentence structure, diction/syntax, word choice, transition, order, etc., Those things need to be taken care of or you're done. What they will look for, then, is your actual story- plot, is it marketable, etc. You still need to work on developing your plot as a mature story. FP is not the msot reliable site to get constructive advice. You should understand that a large reason for the 10 plus reviews you have is because your story caters to the FP audience- who, in many respects, forgo many things just to read a story with a hot romance. There are stories on this site that have ridiculous plots, are insufferable but have a plethora of reviews because of adolescent teenage girls searching for a quick romance read. This is not to get discouraged, however. You have potential in this story- there is a seed of hope and a degree of interest that elevates your story. But don't be fooled- there is a huge, huge amount of work to be done; i wouldn't be surprised if you needed to rewrite, rehash, switch/delete/add characters. Much of your writing is very juvenile and many of the emotions are not realistic enough. It is great that Leonus and Torrine both love her- however, don't convey that love through excessively flowery language. The intensity and value of their love will not be diminished but, in fact, strengthened and even more valuable if done more subtley and through character development. While fiction may suspend reality and introduce us to a new world, there needs to be elements of truth in order to captivate, draw us in, and keep us there. Otherwise, it would be ludicrous and out of bounds. The Harry Potter stories are a very simple yet fabulous example of this. While it is a magical world with flying brooms and witches, Harry's world and his emotions and the characters are so vivid and real to us- becuase she infuses that notion into the world. This concept doesn't unromanticize the book but will make it more readable. Okay, I had more to say but I'm tired, this is long, and I forgot. Haha. So, in serious need of editing BUT potential is there. I like the story- entertaining. Consider adding more intricacy to the novel- perhaps more historical research, a more indepth look at the political factors( which are very real and near and definitely conflict with the budding romances). If the focus of your story, as it is now, is just the romantic relationship, then it will never be taken seriously for publication. THere can be a great deal of romance but make sure you also include the real world. SJ Mass's story is a very good example; the writing is nearly flawless also so take a look at that for the imagery and vivid descriptions. The romance, the love is powerful to the point of tragic- but there is a sense of justice and magic in that. It is not won easily, rather earned through struggle. But at the end, it is beautiful and a light amidst the grim realities of the ongoing world. Another good story to look at is Covet by BK-Gal24( I think...pretty close anyways)- It started out as a story that is similar in dynamics and writing to yours( not the same story but similar concept and start). As the writer matured and the story went on, it evolved into something greater, something more powerful- even though the core of it was still the romance between the two main characters. It became more of a story and not just a fluffy read. That's where you need to go and I think you can. I hope your time away and in college has given you room to mature and grow as a writer( I'm always amazed when I read works by authors and how they are sometimes a complete 180...) Writing is definitely talent but also a talent that needs to be nurtured and grow. There are so many authors on here who have CRAP stories and then I read something else by them and I am shocked and amazed out of my skull. You started this story years and years ago so some ofthe writing is probably painful to you right now and that's good. Go back, edit/rewrite and evolve. This story has to go through a few more edits and other processes before you should even consider handing it out to agents. Whew, that was LONG! So, yes that is all I need to say. Please don't feel discouraged because I wouldn't even consider writing this long of a review if I didn't think this story deserved it. It is good- I like the characters( please develop them more beyond love, jealousy, hate, etc.) and the premise, again, is unique and will be definitely a teen read. Update please and looking forward to the next chapter!
Sekine Hana 2008-03-18 ch 27,	abuseyou had to come back at the wrong time. gosh my face is burning RED. I seriously thought you wouldn't update. It was like you disappeared from the face of the earth. I feel really really bad. Sorry for all the crap I threw at you. It's almost flaming >.< Well, I'm glad you're back. I was going so crazy i was searching you up on the net. ^^; Keep going! I'll definitely get my hands on the book you'll publish. (which means money for you? Ha ha) LOVE YOU!! (^o^)V oh and is Leones going to be paired with someone?
Heth 2008-03-17 ch 27, anon.	abuseI couldn't login to write a review because it said I'd already reviewed this chapter, but I'm so happy you're back! :P It's great to see you're still writing. This chapter was amazing, but I wanted to point out that in the second to last section, you wrote "Her hair was white gold- the palest of blonde that Torrine had ever seen and her skin was a milky white but she somehow did not look sickly at all" and I think you meant to put Leones instead of Torrine. :3 Other than that, it looked pretty good to me.
Callie Rose 2008-03-16 ch 27, anon.	abuseSo apparently I already reviewed this chapter when it was something else...sighs so here's my review. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE BACK!This was the very first story I read on FP when I joined like 4 and a half years ago. (I was softballchick10290 back then, then DancerSweetheart, now Callie Rose since that's actually my name haha) So anyway now that I've stated that I've been reading this story for about four years, I can actually review properly. First of all, I am overjoyed that you're back and planning to update regularly. But I had to reread the entire story because I didn't remember anything. I know I could have used the cliffnotes, but really, I just decided to reread everything. It worked well and I must say I loved this new chapter, it was very fresh. And the quality of it, well it's a lot better than some of the previous chapters. There were only two really glaring errors once you slipped and called Leones Torrine and another time you called the Light of Hephastia the Lights of Heliosa. But other than that it was all good. My favorite part by far was the part where Torrine admitted that he loved Aradia. It was really sweet. And I have this little feeling that Torrine is the future High King. He acts far too Kingly. He needs to be a king. He also needs to kill Vicant. I could go on for a while about this chapter. But just know that I really enjoyed it and I'm so glad that you are back. Now I need to get back to my story. Maybe I'll post it someday, I'm certainly far enough into it. But that's enough. Update soon and don't abandon us again! Hearts, Callie
black-eyed panda 2008-03-16 ch 27,	abusewow it's awesome that you're back! looking forward to what you have planned for this story! :D
stase 2008-03-15 ch 27, anon.	abusethanks for coming back! and definitely you're very much welcomed back!
Jacoblover 2008-03-15 ch 27,	abuseI really love this story. update soon please!

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