 suckerplucker 2004-04-25 . chapter 1some notes as I read:
1. "And wonder how acidic is it" this is supposed to be a question right? To make it one you either need to add a question mark, or invert the "is it" to make '...acidic it is.' Also, you might want to consider putting this line in quotes ("") seeing as it is a direct statement transferred into this poem.
2. In the second line of your fist stanza, you don't need to say "I" you've already stated the subject, and it's just a bit awkward to repeat it.
3. The last 2 lines of your first stanza confused me at first, i think this is because of the verb "think." To clear up the confusion, im pretty sure you'd either need to say 'think about' or 'wonder "what will...' Again, quotes are needed here.
4. Can you find something to replace the "this" in the 2nd line of the 2nd stanza? I only aske because you repeat it in the thrid line and its a bit, well, repetitive. Maybe use 'these things?'
5. "Ever and Forever" just confuses me. do you mean forever and ever? even if you do it still doesn't make sense.
those are my nitpicky grammer etc. notes, but I'd also like to hear your answer to the problem instead of just stating that there is one. It's all well and good to point out problems (that's what satire is) but it would be better if you suggested a solution, otherwise it just sounds like you're complaining pointlessly.
otherwise I liked this, I agree that polution is a problem, and one that must be considered. Next time you might want to take a more poetic, and less narrative approach though, as this is poetry.
zac
clownpuppet87@hotmail.com |
 OryssaV 2003-11-28 . chapter 1You know, my mother always told me about the old good times and it usually ** me off.
There is this saying (I think), but if not, there should be:
"Can you imagine, our times someday will be thought of as the old good times too?"
As you said, you are only fifteen (I am quite surprised this poem comes from a fifteen year old. Don't take me wrong, but one just doesn't expect people so young as you to be so sophisticated...)
*umm, where was I?* you are reality based, God, I sound like my teacher... but really... it is really noble of you to notice this things and I do understand your bitterness. |