Wonderfully written. :)

-MM \m/

its really tense, love it!

WOW! I like it so far, but yeah... idk what to say about it. LOL! I love romance novels and stuff like this so i mean keep writing because i like it and i bet there are others who do to so don't leave us wondering what happens next. Well you know what i mean we know what is happening but not what he will do next. You know what i mean.

Hey great story i love it. Very kinky !! lol Just joking with you. Well update soon please or even better you can put this story on FanFiction.net they will accept it. Well if you do go there check me out I am Gothicgoddess245 you may like them. Oh if you want to you can check oput my storys on this site. Blood Lust Kiss is really good i am going to update soon. G2G BYE -Morana

WOW now i need a shower ! best served cold!so beautifully put and so sensual yet made me feel so hungry for him! give me more!i can only say one thing in respect of maybe changing this!DONT! it just geat and it leaves you starving for the next bit!just juicy!

Thanks to.. Whoever *t* is, and uhm Someone who is here to help.
Thankyou. I appreciate simply you've taken the time to read and correct me, I'll keep all faults in mind when i write more

Alright, I just read the first paragraph, and frankly - it's just... the grammar needs to be greatly improved.
The best way to fix things on your own is to read it aloud to yourself.
You're a little comma-happy, buddy ;)
Example with the first paragraph:
Yours:Time had held itself still for Kagome, as he laid there, staring at Eikoe, her eyelids closed over, in a sweet sleep, he hoped her dreams consisted of him, the smile upon her lips seemed to reassure him, indeed she was. It was a soft sigh from the young princess that made him lean up slightly, she was stirring, obviously about to wake, from another peaceful night, he found his gaze crossing over to a small crib in the corner, his smile spreading further over his lips, as he moved across, only to kiss his fiancé gently on the cheek, and it was at that point her eyes fluttered open. Bright hues of sapphire, and oh how he loved them, they were like gemstones, the colour shining as he watched her curiously, wondering what her next move was. Simply laid there so angelic in herself. Her skin was so soft to his touch, her body so shapely, the girl gave a yawn, stretching her arms out a little, before slumping down again, and he watched her head tilt to watch him, their gaze connected, unbroken, attracted so greatly, one to the other.
Correct way:
Time had held itself still for Kagome as he laid there, staring at Eikoe. Her eyelids were closed over in a sweet sleep. He hoped her dreams consisted of him. The smile upon her lips seemed to reassure him.
It was a soft sigh from the young princess that made him lean up slightly. She was stirring, obviously about to wake from another peaceful night.
He found his gaze crossing over to a small crib in the corner. His smile spread further over his lips as he moved across, only to kiss his fiancé gently on the cheek. It was at that point her eyes fluttered open. Bright hues of sapphire, oh how he loved them, they were like gemstones. The colour shined as he watched her curiously, wondering what her next move was. She simply laid there, so angelic in herself. Her skin was so soft to his touch; her body so shapely.
The woman gave a yawn, stretching her arms out a little before slumping down again. He watched her head tilt to watch him, their gaze connecting. Unbroken and attracted so greatly to one other.
Right, generally the paragraph needs to be broken up into a few paragraphs, and you had many run-on sentences. There should never be more than four or five commas in a sentence, unless you are listing something. In the first paragraph the comma count is 28. Sentences? 5. One sentence had no commas, so it's really 4. That's an average of 7 commas per sentence.
Insane.
I just suggest you read it out loud to yourself, pausing for a second at each comma and see for yourself how it can horribly disrupt the flow of the story and aggravate the reader.
Just here to help a fellow writer,
LC

MORE **! NICKI NEEDS IT

hm how can I say this nicely...?? It has potential to be really good, hot under the collar something mills and boon would publish, however its lacking and definitely no where near there yet. The characters - especially the female are very undefined; one moment she's a girl, the next a woman, then a mother and a princess? I mean what the hell? In something this short and supposedly raunchy you need to paint the scene and leave it to the readers imagination and intellect to pick up on little things that form the boundaries of the characters. As for the sex scene... I think you need to do some research hunni, there is SO much more you could put in and better ways to describe whats happening (without confusing the person reading it). Your obviously interested in the Japanese culture, what with the names of the characters but your characters descriptions dont really fit the general perception people have of the way the japanese look... blue eyes? it may be different and not uncommon now but the image when writing and crossing cultural boundaries in literature should be one thats percieved on the whole by the public... - its best to keep it simple when writing short stories. Anyways I could go on and mention other points but your probably quite ** at me for saying what I have already... dont get me wrong its not trash, but it could be greatly improved

MORE **, NIKKI NEEDS MORE **

now cummonn lady we need this bot to get down to the ntty gritty and give this princess the ultimate 'sword' lunge!

I WANT MORE ** I WANT MORE ** I WANT MORE **!
ta muchly

More **! More **! love ya really but c'mon gurlie more! :-)twas v.v.good!

Excellent, Ollie-chan. You're getting even better. Hope to see you write more little stories like this! n.n

Wow this does sum up the love Kagome and Eikoe have for eachother. You're a great writer, gave me some ideas for RPing as Kagome. Their lust for each other it seems, is unmatched. XD. Make some more stories, I thoroughly enjoy them.