I want more...don't be nasty and take the story away from me. Write more please!

hmm...interesting concept.

Very interesting. Your writing is raw and fresh, definately a flower just in it's first seconds of bloom. I like the vibes of the story. Especially in the scene with the girl and her boyfriend, Zane. I could picture it almost perfectly as a japanese anime'. Awesome stuff, but I would make the evilness of Zane's brother more subtle. For instance, instead of a laser gun blasting, why not a heated confrontation of ruthless insults, that leads up to a laser gun blasting!

Hey Jade,
Interesado, me hija. Es muy bien! Tu es buena! Habla mucho quando!

That story was really good, add on!

Cool story, it seemed quite realistic, and yet, quite a fantasy.

i almost fell asleep! no i'm kinding its good. umm nice names of the cities. u r a fruitcake!

good start