Just so you know, I never saw your FictionPress account before now, and haven't read this either. I wouldn't spend my time on something like that. But thanks for assuming "Quille" or "Goodbye Fictionpress.com" was myself.

i like the ending...it is very good.

Oh... my... God... When and where did you learn to spell so beautifully? I mean, I've never seen someone so utterly retarded in my life!
~Swimging his legs over the side of the bed, he sat up and stretched his arms up, groaning and shaking himself out.~
As far as the lovely English language goes, "Swimging" is not a word. Have you ever heard of "Proof-reading" let alone "Spell Checking" your document before you utterly disgrace yourself here on FictionPress?
~He said something, letting his eyes flow down the length f the scar.~
"O", anyone?
Come on! If you can't even write something UNDERSTANDABLE, do NOT write at all, you astronomically unintellectual person. I'd stamp a mudhole in everyone of your boring, bland characters. They are probably a mirror image of their "creator".
Today's prognosis... NEGATIVE!

Artemis. It's ARTEMIS. I'm surprised that you got Zeus' name right. And why are you using Greek Mythology, anyway? This has nothing to do with Greek Mythology, and you have it messed up in so many ways that it's enough to make me cry after you disgraced a part of History. It's like one minute your talking about the Greek god and goddess, and the next you ramble on like you're some kid with ADD.
But really, how could you have messed up Greek Mythology? They teach you all about that in grade school, it's so easy. I honestly didn't think that anybody could ever be that stupid.
I really hope Neo gets into a fight and gets killed, because that's all he's worth. Most people I know would simply love to stuck a hook in your half-vampire's gut and wrench out his intestines, seeing that that would be the only one of the best ways for him to go.
Quille
PS: So that you know, it's "mundane", not "mundayne". Idiot.

Funny. Really funny.
If every gay vampire prostitute told his "customer" what he was, he probably wouldn't last for very long in business. What is a vampire doing being a prostitute, anyway?
Gee, I wish everyone was just as accepting as Tyler was, considering that they're complete strangers, Tyler just told Neo that he gave up on love, slept with him for a night, and suddenly he's willing to accept anything that pours out of his mouth? Oh yes, because sex fixes everything that's wrong, doesn't it? I'm so sure of that. And then there's the blah, blah, blah, moronic angst, blah, blah, blah, whine, blah, blah, blah.
Shut. The. Hell. Up. Your idiocy's like knives.
You may want to try and be a LOT more realistic with where you're going. I'm not even going to enter the idea on how horrid your choice of words and your descriptions, character interactions are, seeing as I already stated this.
You really do need to put a lot more thought into your writing before you consider it done, rather than using up five minutes of your time, writing something, and then deeming its conclusion. Just to break it to you, but writing doesn't work like that.
Quille

"Happy trail". Right.
So, let me ask you something.
Where the hell were you in English class? If that isn't the case, then I must be inclined to ask what drugs you were taking while you were writing this, just to remind myself not to try any. I could give you critique if there wasn't so many things wrong with this as it is. And I'm not just talking about spelling and grammar now, either.
Instead, let us talk about the inadequate character interactions and the poor plot. Male prostitutes... Gay male prostitutes nevertheless. Oh, how interestingly...not interesting. I see now. You were probably spending your time whacking off at ** than you were spending time in class. Which would make sense in your defense.
Silly child. **'s not for you.
Quille

I'm just wondering... Do you have word processor? Because if you do, then I advise you use spell check, because I saw about twelve spelling errors, and this chapter isn't even half a page long. The grammar errors I'm not even going to go into. If that, then it might be best that you also read over the chapter, because maybe then you'd realize how bombastic this is.
What I am also wondering is why you described his ugliness in one chapter, and the next you make him out to be some sort of sex god dominator or something? I don't get it. Are we supposed to see him as ugly or "sexy"?
About that...rarely would anyone ever want to describe a character as "sexy". It's blunt, and it's a horrid use of description. Attractive, maybe. Something like that. Blunt words such as that are used for character interactions or maybe even first-person point of views, not narrators. Just...for the love of all that is good and holy, quit sounding like a twelve-year-old, seriously.

~"cute, small rear, and, a slight buldge in the front"~

Well, for one thing, you spelt "bulge" wrong, which is pretty pathetic enough as it is. The other is that the "sexy" description highly blunt, that had to have topped it all. Unneeded information, we don't need to know about his "rear" and "bulge". Or do we? It's bad enough you consider an entire description of one single character a chapter, learn to use a dictionary and a thesaurus. From someone who is familiar with the English language to yet another illiterate mortal, do get one, because you critically need it if you persist to put your grandiloquent stories online.
We shall start our English session by seeing if a uneducated mind such as yours can interpret all of what I just said.
Quille

Let's see; where to begin?

Sentence fragmenting is really poor. I've seen people much younger than you are write amazing pieces, and this would barely make the cut to merit being on public display, I assure you. The use of negativity towards the main character's physical appearance, blunt, yes, and I suppose that's all that was needed.

But whatever. Just so that you know, gray/blue eyes are not an odd color. You know how many people there are out there with those kinds of eyes? I've met someone with pink/red eyes before, without contacts. Those are odd colors. Thought I'd make a statement, because the color detail was a little unnecessary.
Quille

I'm aware of my typos. I don't have Microsoft word, so no spell check x.o I catch typos as I see them and reupload the chapters after editing.
And, also I know chapters are short. They're supposed to be. This isn't a full plotted story. I started writing it out of boredom and decided to continue. I didn't want long chapters because then I don't ever finish. All of this takes place in a day, too. Can't have huge chapters for just one day.
To understand it better, think carefully as you read. There's a LOT of foreshadowing in this.
thanks for reviewing.

interesting... i like him *giggles to herself* anyway... your chapters are so short! it's annoying.. but very good so far, just spellcheck/proofread and you're good!

i'm a little confused so far but we'll see... the dad sounds creepy... yeah... i'm reading on!