Here comes Mr. Picky-Taste-In-Lyrics...

With good music, this thing could be rather shizzleicious. The first bit is rather cliched - reminds me a bit of those obnoxious pop-metal bands everyone listens to these days (Evanescence, Linkin Park, Atreyu, etc. so forth). The rest is pretty good. There are a few bits that remind me of a song by a good band of that dark nature - "The Leaving Song Pt. II" by AFI.

What would make this song better - and just about every song/poem I hear/read - is more attention to *every* word. My later stuff on this site was written with thought devoted to the sounds of nearly every syllable, the meanings of the words, et cetera. Even someone with a large vocabulary - like, for example, you or me - can always do with some expansion. A good book is the New York Times Dictionare of Misused, Misunderstood, and Mispronounced Words (I'm not 100% sure that title is in the right order).

Oh, and I'd like to play a guitar solo in this should it become a song. ;)

-The Captain

cool lyrics, going to be really long with music though.

Lol great song. I'm no expert on songs but i could definatly see the flow if you like. Keep up the good writing.