Everything hits the notch, except for that one line in the second stanza. It doesn't fit with the rest. Too long.
Other than that the poem that you didn't write is very good.
I love your use of refrains. I find them a lot in your poetry, and I think you use them quite effectively

abcb rhyme scheme, but unfortunately this poem attempts to achieve a metric pattern- and fails. Primarily iambic, but the penultimate line in the second stanza is just WAY too extrametrical.
The content is solid, however, and I appreciate the sarcasm. Kudos if you gave this to someone.

Very nice...I like the poem that you recently did not write.