This is a beautiful song... I love all the imagery.
"You smelled like burning incense/ You tasted like honey and wine" - probably my favorite lines.
Excellent job.

prettyful..though, i do have to say that when i read it, it didnt sound all too metal in my head, but nonetheless, could be made into one...being a metalhead, ive found that the oddest lyrics have been able to work, anywayz, muchly nice, good flow to it, good job

Very interesting. Wonderful imagery was evoked in mind during this poem. You had many well chosen words. Keep up the good work. Hasta luego.
chibichocobo

I love this... It's completely unique.

i liek it.. nicely written.. im not sure how it would sound has metal... nice job.. thanks for your review

I liked so many lines in this song...wonderful wording. "My hand is caked with your promise" really caught my attention. Great job.
-God bless-

a very late happy belated birthday. I have not been to this site in far too long. I've just been posting elsewhere is all.
But I still adore your poems and songs, heh and came back today looking for something decent to read and knew that I could find it here. So anyway. Lol I'll be dumb and say thank you, you made my day.
~Rini

nicely done, i like it...how heavey is the metal music that goes along with this?

This is really good! It doesn't really remind me too much of the metal I listen to, but mostly I listen to the Swedish deathmetal and they don't know English that well. I really liked this song, it's beautifully written. I hope to see more of your work soon!

A VERY belated b-day wish, hope it still counts! Great job on the song..nicly wirtten and great format! ^_^ Keep it up!
~*~Icy~*~

22?? @__@
I like this song, I can totally hear Santana playing in the background. But who'll do the vocals? The last part was real good.
Keep it up! TL Demeter

Happy Belated Birthday!

I can't really see it as a metal song, but maybe that's because I don't listen to much metal... I'm sure it could work, though ^_^ I adore, love and worship the first verse, especially the last four lines. "You smelled like burning incense/You tasted like honey and wine/yet you pulled your arms off me/took a step back and drew the line." Wonderful song overall.

Kudos and daisies.

-Jess

Useless age of 22?
Wait until you are in your late thirties, then you will know what THAT means for real!
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!
Metal song? To me it could have been more dramatic in expressing this feeling to get away from someone. More blunt and more bold.
Other than that, it was nice to read a song written for the "useless" age of 22...
Good song!

*Hmm* Well for starters, of course, happy birthday.
I liked the song. It has good rhythm and rhyming.
The line, "My hand is caked with your promise" is a bit wierd. Maybe because when I think of 'caked' (verb)I think of blood and whatnot. But I digress. Good song overall. Esp like the chorus and ending verses.

mm, lacuna coily. Wonderful stuff dear, oozes raw emotion and I may at one point have to 'borrow' it and put music to it? let me know, i'd really like to!