Well... the most common errors in poems at this site are lines begenning with 'and' or 'but' or 'because' or other weak starting words. Your example doesn't do that. I have submitted over 200 reviews, at least 180 of them have been for poetry. Common errors in almost all of them were lines starting weakly and capitalizing words you want emphasis on. Again you did neither of these. Honestly of the 200+ things i have reviewed this is one of the best.

WOW i feel like this all the time! sheesh...