This is completely awesome! Beautiful, the imagery was so clear I felt like I was right there. You definitely have talent, my friend, probably more than me -I mean, wow, the way you just told the story at point blank without any fluff or anything was just... haha, I bow down to you.
I'm speechless, this is marvelous.
It would make a wonderful story, I think you should expand it into a novel. It DEFINITELY has potential! =D

i do like this chica! it's great either to stand alone or to continue should you feel the urge..lol
who knows right? but yeah.. very cool