I appreciate comments on the story. On the meaning I found when I was
in 7th grade that was um... quite more than a couple of years ago,
although wanted, should not be the focus of a review.

I could give you the link of the places I found back then with the
meaning, but they do not work. However, you are right. I will not
change the meaning, since it sheds a lot of light in the story,
although the meaning of servitude could bring a reasonable twist too.


~Seixe

Akhen does not meant "shine or shiny."
Akhenaten means:
"he who works for Aten."
“One Useful to Aton”
"Aton is satisfied."
And the like. There is no reference is "shine" in the name. "Hedj" is a name element that does mean "bright" --that's the closest.

For a list of ancient Egyptian names go to Yahoo and search "Kemetic names" (Kemet being the name they called their land).
The linked titled: "For those looking for Kemetic names- look no further [Archive ..." will have a list.

Who is him?? Must...find...out!!

The last line was a nifty touch. Makes us anxious for more!

A little confused with the rate of activity. You have her jumping from one thing to the next - as others say put a little more detail.
But. I do like whats going, it gives me a bit of a thrill to figure out what this is going to lead to. It pretty much makes you forget completely a couple of grammatical errors.
Nice start, I know I suck at intros.

I love Egyptian mythology and vampires stories! Nice that you combined the two. I like how you have good plot content as well. :)

good beginning to a story. very morbid. not necessarily a bad thing.

wow really well written and you put alot of work into this. it's also very descriptive and i liek the way you don't give the girl a name you don't see that much anymore. your work reminds me of anne rice but i think thats just me lol please write more soon.

Maybe it's just me, but as I read I became even more and more confused. I'll go back and reread it later, in case I missed a way to make heads or tails of this story. That's me for ya, absolutely blonde right down to 'er core. ^^;
I LOVE Egypt and Egyptian mythology, and you have a good way of weaving it into the story. There could be a little bit more description, but not much more, and I thoroughly enjoyed this. It got my brain cells moving, which seemed to have completely stopped over the weekend. Brava!

Nice use of detail on this I love the chapter tiles very original. I'd keep writing this if I were you the story idea is pretty cool :-) Keep it up.