whoa. that was like a train wreck, only in words. the mental thought process, I mean. The writing was great, top notch! The reason i compare it to a tran wreck was that the agony of defeat and slowly dying in this write reminds me of one.

One thing- maybe you want to break it up a little more, add some spaces between your paragraphs or, even better, turn it into a freeverse poem. this sort of thing works well in freeverse poems. Again, awesome, awesome job!

WHOA so vivd and scary and sad! im nearly crying! the ending is eerie yet perfect!! seriously this is a strong well written piece of work!! well done!!
please check out my storys: 'thats not how it hapened' and 'the ramblings of a supposed deranged lunatic' tanx love u and keep up d deadly writing!!

Wow, very intense, very gripping. I like the last line. Excellent job.

Wow, I can relate all too well to this. It's really short, it'd be cool if you wrote more. But it's amazing just the way it is. Check out my stuff if you have a minute.. and keep up the good work.
Laura

Good, very good. I liked it a lot. Although you might want to put a few spaces in it. It is just a huge paragraph. A reader might get bored with it if it is just one big block. But I really liked the story, I'm looking forward to seeing your other work.