interesting idea. i do like the contrast, although i think this needs some more refining. except for the last line. i'm not sure why, but it really grabbed me. maybe the sort of rhyme, and certainly the image. in a way it is a smaller poem in and of itself :)

This was neat... I think I got the message you showed in here. The touch of red was kind of polished into most of the first stanza, and that was really neat.
Overall, a good freelance poem. I look forward to reading more from you. Nice job!
Lidless Eye