FictionPress.com - let the words flow
| FictionPress.com - let the words flow |
|
| Home Just In Communities Forums Beta Readers Dictionary Search | Login Register Extras |
| Alaerien 2004-03-12 ch 1,  | abuseGreetings! This is the first piece I've wanted to review lately, so please don't be disheartened if my review is full of criticism. :) The first concern I had is that your sentences tend to be rather long, multiple clauses separated by commas. This is a good thing in moderation -- but when there's too much, it saps the urgency out of the scene. I realise that this scene isn't supposed to be urgent but I do think that shorter sentences now and then would serve you well. Try condensing your sentences? Less is more! I'm not keen on the instances of the second person 'you'. They don't quite ring true. I advise to keep it all in third person and if it's not possible just to translate, reword it slightly. You've heard of the old adage 'show, don't tell'? There's a few hitches in this regard eg. when Khel says he was looking for where his best friend was hiding. It's clear from the rest of the scene that Jeraido & Khel are close friends; the phrase in dialogue is a bit jarring. Friends wouldn't need to mention that they were friends, right? Oho. We have a Reluctant Hero! Jeraido comes across as a bit -- lackadaisical, sometimes. Nothing jumps out at me as instantly likeable, or dislikeable, come to that. This is completely subjective, but I'd recommend that a PoV character has some quality that gives him an edge. Completely bored and sneering at the other idiots? Uncomfortable and embarrassed and wishing he'd never pulled off his heroic deed? A bit more emotion would be good, I think. Naeira is great. :D Hope that helped, --Alaerien |
| Elfie 2004-02-27 ch 1, | abuseWow, this is sounding really good, and you have defiently captured my attention! Hm, I'm wondering about the stone angel...really good chapter! :) |