After reading your story, I've come up with a few conclusions:

1. You have a very extensive vocabulary and should exploit that. There are some words you could throw in to really confuse the hell out of people. Ha.

2. The ending is great! If that really is the ending... being a first time reader of anything on this site, I hope that these stories I read are not the end. It would be fantastic to continue this story with like him having to go off into some foreign country and she marrying the other guy she doesn't like, and then Dabryn making an appearance again. That would be extremely epic.

Overall, your story has great elements and qualities.

Keep writing! You're great at it!

-SuperSlurpee