Reviews for Aladir - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Aladir - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

ME! 2004-09-07 ch 2, anon.	abusehi its me again im going to continue criticising maybe you could put the letter in italics, to distinguish itfrom all the other text. "It was now just a matter of packing his bow and a few personal belongings before Luc would be just a memory to the people here, he thought. " This is an awkward sentence, as he refers to himself in the third person, and the "he thought" at the end is confusing actually, in that whole paragraph you have long sentences which need commas- desperately "whatever thing" -i HATE using the word thing. it is very vague. so many other wonderful words to use. im sorry. its just that this story has heaps of potential, and a great storyline. because i like it, i criticise- to make it even better cya
ME! 2004-09-07 ch 1, anon.	abusegood start. how did you come up with the language? A few grammatical things: voice. It was feminine yet thicker and richer than one would expect.- that will make more sense impressive...impressive- maybe you could use a different word? He heard a rustle in the trees and turned to see a figure disappear into the forest. "Hey, come back! " He yelled, (capitalisation and commas) father." His (add full stop after father) sorry if im picky dont take it personally good job
N. N. Dapacha 2004-09-01 ch 26,	abuseM...Luc's smart...with those maps and everthing... I wonder if Annik knows the story was about him? Yeah, probably. She's probably smarter than look- more intuitive too. ^_~ Still going strong! Continue as you will! @~Kala Khan Nahda
N. N. Dapacha 2004-08-28 ch 23,	abuseThe Tarbarin sound interesting. Fear is so fearsome, isn't it? ^_~ Please continue soon! @~~Kala Khan Nahda
Lee901 2004-08-24 ch 21,	abuseTo be honest, now I'm kinda confused. Because there were elfs int heir city, they are going to destroy a tree? What exactly does this tree do? It must be important to cause this sudden war. Anyway, good job. Keep writin.
N. N. Dapacha 2004-08-24 ch 21,	abuseWar? Aw...war is evil! Down with war! ^-^ Good storyline going though. Continue as you will. ~Kala Khan Nahda
Lee901 2004-08-23 ch 20,	abuseAgain, great writing. Werent the Tarabim the people that Luc and Annik's parents were supposedly a part of? By the way, if the one school isn't elvish, why are they in the compitition? Just wondering.
N. N. Dapacha 2004-08-23 ch 19,	abuseOne kiss was all it took? Well there was stuff before it...oh all right, fine. Yay Annik! ^-^ @~~Kala Khan Nahda
Lee901 2004-08-22 ch 19,	abuseGuess your one of the good ones that post every day. Cool. Something to keep me busy. Geting a lil pg-13 hey? lol. Cool chapter. CAnt wait to see what else the ISC will hold...
Lee901 2004-08-22 ch 18,	abuseOnce again, great job. It might be cooler if you had more on the sword fights he had, but regardless, it's good. Looks like you picked up another fan. Good luck with more.
N. N. Dapacha 2004-08-21 ch 18,	abuseWhew...I'm up to speed. I wonder who Luc would end up with? Annik or Alandra? Hmm... I like Annik better, but there's something about Alandra that doesn't exactly put her out of the picture... Oh, and the ISC soo reminds me of the Triwizard tournament in the fourth Harry Potter book. :\ Great writing, can't wait to read more! ~~Kala Khan Nahda~~
N. N. Dapacha 2004-08-21 ch 14,	abuseNot elves? Hmm...wonder what they are... Still going strong! ::continues::
N. N. Dapacha 2004-08-21 ch 10,	abuseYay for Alandra! Hmm..but that came up too fast...there must be a problem here... :Cont's Reading:
N. N. Dapacha 2004-08-21 ch 7,	abusefeigns innocence What makes elves so bad anyway? Hmm...I feel sorry for the bow from the tree- just bought and it seems to have already broken. Wonder what will happen now... :Continues...:
N. N. Dapacha 2004-08-21 ch 4,	abuseAh...the sweetness that comes with a mysterious girl and a dance...it's only been four chapters and I can already tell that you're much better than the average storyteller. ^-^ ::Back to Reading::

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