this story is quite humorous. occasionally you sound a bit condescending, and sometimes the sarcasm is too much, but i still found it amusing. good work.
-zozo

I am really tempted to reply:

"Your great! There were a few typos, thogh. Keep up the good work!"

But I won't, because it wouldn't be doing this story justice - everything about this was absoloutely hilarious. Even my toes ended up hurting from laughing. And the thing about 'doesn't mean I'm an environmentalist' - ahahaha! Honestly, on a scale of one to ten in the funnies, this is a ten.

However, there are several annoying things that I'm putting down to damn FP uploading dramas. Some of the paragraphs were stuck together, which I think you should fix up (if you ever rewrite this). Anyways, this was amazing. I loved it. The humour was out of this world, and it's favourited (the story, that is!)

- clap trap, from review marathon [link in my profile]

tongue in cheek tone is totally hilarious and almost believable. the intended use of intelligent vocabulary and good wordsmithing is props for mocking. xDD Love this, and I will be sure to come back here if I ever write a story.

I'm not sure, but I think a tear of laughter just slipped down my cheek. The piece was absolutely amazing, and I was really hoping that if someone else was reading it they were understanding that this is what not to do--fantastic. Not sure what else would show my love of this, except for adding it to my favorites list.

Nice work on the satire (I know my English teacher would be very proud of you :D)

~Mia

Your SO ROOD! Just b-cause I right crap and my revuse SUCK don't mean I need to gro as a righter, you pig headed sow. I hope you DYE a thousand horrable DEATHS and get eatten by a 500 pond lumberjack. Go to HELL you floozy.

--see, I learned, aren't you proud of me?

In all honesty though, I found this really enojyable. I hope people can read this and laugh at themselves and then maybe try to improve, since even the best writers and reviewers fall victim to thes traps from time to time. I hope that I have taken something away from this essay as well--starting with this review. Thanks.

Does that little thing at the end mean that there is no more?

Everything was wonderful... maybe I should just copy the same review I gave the last essay I read. I think you left out a "to" in the last sentence of the third paragraph, it reads "If you manage get permanently banned"

Wow, this is some biting satire. I love it! :D
Quite the slap in the face of a lot of people.
Excellent instructional tone, while being ridiculous.
Nice.

You are a idoit! Just beacuz i rite bad storiez and criticice other pplez work does that mean I'm a bad critic n u haff to make fun of me!?!?!
PACK UP YOUR PAJAMAS AND GO TO THE BAHAJAS U LOSERR! And fix those typos! I
hope everybody readz this n hates u cuz im maturer n ur not!

hehe, i couldn't help myself! anywayy, i LOVED this piece it was absolutely hilarious especially the r/r / railroad thing (i laughed for half an hour for that one) and the 'Fix those typos, thogh' (LOL) and the whole FLAMEWAR thing. Your straight-out sarcasm was refreshing and totally funny. thanks a lot for posting this!!

This entire idea has been done to death!

To death!

I'm not sure why you even wrote such a long diatribe, since the only people with the patience to read this are people who aren't 13 years old and have monkeys for brains, so I guess you were aiming at people of a somewhat higher sophistication.

Well guess what? We're dead! Yup!!

Satire is best when it's short and to the point. One-liners which sum up paragraphs, not paragraphs that don't end. 3-4 item lists are preferable to multiple lists where the items are two sentences long.

This was too long, I started reading it but fell asleep and ended up with drool on my shirt and the imprint of my keyboard on my cheek.

In any case, good day, and FP sucks.

Now I'm scared that I might be a good writer ><

I particularly like the critique examples. Really, such excellent reviews. I can only hope to get one like that myself...

Your great! There were a few typos, thogh. Keep up the good work!

Oh my God. OH MY GOD! You are officially my favorite person. Ever. In the history of the world.

I have built a shrine to you in my closet and I sacrifice small creatures to it daily. Just kidding. Sort of.

Your essay made me laugh. Out loud. And a lot. My parents were very worried. They were even more worried when they found your shrine and the (large) pile of sacrificed critters.

Thank you for making my week/month/year/life.

["An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind."] Yeah, I'm slow. This was Ghandi (sp?), right?

[A good writer will have no fewer than twenty authors on her list of favorites, and most of these will not have published anything other than criticism and perhaps a rambling, self-serving autobiography. This is perfectly normal and very, very healthy.] I haven't yet found a favorite author, though there are some I admire so intensely that I become intensely suicidal and violent when they are gone. This doesn't mean they're my favorites, though. I think the best way to show that you love an author is just to really pay attention to their work like you want to ** its brains out. That whole honesty bit also works with courting out writing pieces you love. And the least you could do for an author you admire is leave somewhat of a decent review, period. Seriously, the author's favorite list shouldn't be a clique thing. And these new C2 communities are **' off the wall. There's a C2 community called "Romance Uncliched", but it has ALL CLICHE ROMANCES. Well, save a few of my personal favorites, which have a lot of merit, except that they have succumbed in one or two chapters to fandom over art and truthfulness. It's just off the wall, I swear.

[If the critic has not left an e-mail address, take your frustration out on somebody on the critic's "Favorite Authors" list. If the critic does not have any favorite authors, choose your target at random.] Unfortunately, this has happened to me. Someone wrote a nice love letter on their profile for me to see how much they HATE black people and me. Okay, maybe not the black people. Most angry authors are usually kind enough to leave e-mails or rant about it on their livejournals and THEN e-mail me the link (yes, yes, I know). I have a folder in my e-mail that is filled with hundreds of responses. The folder is titled, "Complaints. rofl" My personal favorite is "U dont kno wat your talkign about Ninja **. (goes on to describe whole Harry Potter plot) Dont critisze and compare me to books you never read." Ah, the joys of love.

[The insults didn't get to you; really, they didn't. To prove just how unhurt you are (and how much better than the critic), you are going to give one of the critic's stories an objective review-- a very long, detailed, objective review. Pick the story apart, word by word and line by line, and find all of the flaws.] Guilty as charged.

[Do not fail to let the situation escalate. Enlist the help of your friends (people who are on your "Favorite Authors" list and who have you on theirs) to write hundreds of death threats and stinging critiques of your critics and their friends.] Does this really happen? I wouldn't be surprised--well, actually, I sort of would. I haven't been here THAT long, but I certainly haven't seen that happen. Though people who belong to the SKoW awards seem to take offense at people who belong to that BU club. I think.

[Is the act of surrendering your artistic integrity to the will of a largely ignorant and often pernicious herd, really such a bad thing?] I used to ask myself this all the time. Lukertin, a suffering soul, left rather than having to take anymore of the BS. But there are a lot of decent writers on who I aspire to be like, both in integrity and writing prowess, and they're usually ignored by the general population of FP for some reason I'm not really sure of. Their writing is gold, and I like, HURT when I don't see it get the proper exposure they deserve.

I'm going to hold a grudge against you for all of eternity. You have wounded me deeply with your truthful words, and have added salt and lemon to the wound by having only three chapters of this.

Thank you for the awesome read, Tetra.

I'm a total brain turd, but how did you alter the fonts like that? Godly.

Ah, the analogies for writers and their reviewers. I think I've become so disheartened with providing time-consuming literary analysis that I've settled for reactionary reviews. Though, sometimes, the biting compulsion comes back and makes me get all Japanese Tourist on elements in a story that I find to be quite impressive, even if they're just small, insignificant passages.

[Would you rather teach one bird to sing, than teach a thousand stars how not to dance?] This one was a little dramatic, especially the second half of that phrase. Am I just not catching the reference to it? (I have this like, conspiracy that all allusions, even if they're older than Shakespeare, are still shipped and credited TO Shakespeare. He's like, the lazy genuis' way out. If you've read all of Shakespeare and you're trying to get a B.A. in college, then you're set and ready to go. I swear.)

[Can I readily extract the straw from my brother's eye without removing the rafter from my own?] Ha! I got this reference. But it comes from years of being Bible-thumped, which is something to... not be proud of. And God, these questions are tricky! What if I haven't answered "no" on any single one of these?

[Your first inclination may be to say "I disagree with your opinions," and then to write a well-thought-out explanation of the artistic merits and flaws of the work, giving specific suggestions on how to improve it, while reserving your conflicting opinions for a work of your own. This is childish and very, very wrong. Let's learn how to review the right way.] A knife straight through my poor heart. I have racism in one of my stories, and one of the very first reviews it got was that so and so thought my work was a "pathetic piece of **". And when another author questioned why (never me, I never respond to reviews, unless they are edits or genuine questions asking for clarification or whatnot), the person says they hate racism, ergo, blah-blah-blah. As I thought, a complete waste of my time. But then I had to rethink this thought--the person gave a genuine response, one of which I will continue to receive even if I ever do rise to publish. I even consider terrible, corny reviews to have some type of merit, because some reaction is better than no reaction. Except for the "I love it! Update it soon." Never. Ever.

[YOO seem 2 thimk that GURLZ r STOOPID!!?!?!?] ROFL! My general, clarifying response in e-mail: "Yes."

The reference to Howard Stern was gold.

[PACK UP YOUR TEEPEE AND GO BACK TO RUSSIA YOU MISOGYNIST BIMBO!] ROFLMAO!!

God, the language flows, never skips or trips over itself--it's a smooth-talkin' playa'. The humor is impeccable, but you probably already know that, or else you wouldn't have written it, YOU BIMBO.

I was crying during this.

In an especially insecure mood, I need to look at scathing, satirical work like this to keep me afloat. I really do become depressed with a lot of the aforementioned things, and sometimes I really DO wonder at the backasswards nature of I've read so many great pieces that can't even get ten reviews max, which extremely annoys me.

[If you can honestly answer "no" to all of the preceding questions, then you are ready to begin writing.] The sad truth about this is that... it's wholly accurate with the mainstream writing world. I tried reading a Nora Roberts trilogy three months ago and couldn't get past half of the first book, which was about some mysterious woman linked to the death of her love interest's twin brother; the setting is close to Acapulco, in some backwater village where the main character teaches people how to scuba dive. And common, hilarious phrases like "crushes (his/her) mouth on (his/hers)" pops up, and all characterization, character thoughts, and expositions that could be inferred (if you're not an idiot reader) are spelled out for... idiot readers. It's atrocious. Mostly everything on from what I've read, gets a gold star compared to that published tripe I tried to read. So, FP gets credit where it's due.

Hoh man, but a Fantasy buff came and pointed out a bunch of cliches in my Fantasy piece that made me, for lack of a better expression, blush like a maiden. It was total **. I'm going to read the hell out of Fantasy to see what I've been missing out on--in any case, he seems to be more concerned with motifs than a lot of other elements in stories, which helps for some things, but not for others.

[. . . for every ten words in the poem, did you include at least three of the following terms: betrayal, blade, ... sadness, scar, scream, silence, vomit, wound. (You may have noticed that these powerful words, which you cannot possibly overuse, are presented in alphabetical order. Do not use them in this order in your poem, as this would indicate some semblance of forethought.)] This was amazing. I was enraptured throughout this whole chapter and couldn't understand how masochistic it felt to be reading all of this, where at one time, I COMPLETELY fit the mold. Luckily, I didn't come to FP in this shape, I came a little after. rofl

The summary key was amazing, too. Why does this thing only have 35 reviews? There's something else out there by Something-Cat or Other-Kat (something of the sort), which is more of a pontification than it is of any use, and it has like, a bazillion reviews. Or maybe I'm just feeling all depressed that this was such a great read, which, once again, deserves many, many more reviews than it gets.

Unless people are particularly afraid of facing reality. I mean, really, the last thing us talentless hacks is you giving us a reality check, Neon.

I can't believe no one's said this yet . . .

Your great! There were a few typos, thogh. Keep up the good work!