Nice!

hiya

this is really good and i've enjoyed until this point. THis chapter and the next one doesn't make any sense. She gets on the boat with Claudius - her mother and brother with her. Then in this one she seems alone.

Its a bit random. Have i missed something. What storm and how did they get there?

Angel

wow i liked it i just wish you would've put her and Hortensius together. I'd love to read a story about the two of them.

This story was really good. Thanks for writing it! I really enjoyed being able to read it. :)

Great story, I really like your plot it is interesting and you have great three demensional characters.

I like Pyp. He's cute. :)

good stuff. cant wait for more

I thought that this chapter was quite well. I like this story alot. I can't wait to see how it ends.

XD

How did he end up with no burns when the other two ended up with a bunch?

I liked the way you introduced the theme of the sea from the very beginning. From your title, I assume it will be significant and I think it's good to establish it up front. The original description did seem a little convoluted and could perhaps be a bit clearer.

I liked most of the dialogue. Some of it sounded a little bit out of place but not very much so. There did seem to be quite a few places where you used synonyms for said that were perhaps unnecessary.

Calysta sounds like a brat, which is probably the intention. She'll certainly be an interesting character to develop.

You sound like you know a fair bit about Rome but there seemed to be an early allusion to polygamy (the bit about the four mothers) that struck me as out of place. Also, if this is Western Gaul, I would expect her father to be a general. It all felt a bit too civilised for an area that was frequently violent. And the allusions to the gods seemed a bit overdone. I would expect that the grip of the Roman priests would be fairly loose that far from Rome. Just some thoughts.

- Esther, currently reviewing for the Review Game's Review Marathon (link in my profile)

So, I have been seeing this on the page the past few days and been really curious about it, so yesterday I decided to read it. It is really good! I have enjoyed all of it. :)

You have the Roman numerals off (if I'm not mistaken). This is chappie four, but you put five.

[Outside of the villa, the sentries standing at the walls had seen the coming army]
'the invading army' sounds so much better.

Mario's line "I think I can do the job. The streets are a good tutor as any, eh"
'are as good a tutor as any' seems more appropriate.

Also, it might be a good idea to break some of the fighting action into shorter parts for added emphasis. (No "thinning out" necessary here, lol).

All in all, I really enjoyed your battle scene. It reminded me of something from the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie (dunno if you've watched that). But yeah, battle scenes are always hard to write, but you managed to pull through and still maintain your quality of writing. I especially liked your description of Antonius's death: clear and concise. And the effect of your useful diction choice was this sort of resonating shock (I'm sitting here with my mouth open).

But yes, great work (wow, I feel redundant) and if I remeber, I'll continue to read tomorrow. For now, though, I'm off to bed. Toodles!

Talk about a dramatic ending.
Well, let's see. No lack of transitions or messed up formatting this time (phew). This chapter was pretty much flawless (with the exception of a missing divider between the parents' scene and the scene with Calysta and Pyp). I absolutely adored Pyp here!

“Mario is standing right there! He’ll think,” Pyp blanched, “that I like hugs.”

hahhahaha, I absolutely LOVED that line. So yeah, nice once again.

Another great chapter. Long chapters work for this story because I guess you just have so much planned out. You've improved Lord Gracchi's (who I hate by now, btw) character a lot. In the previous chapter, his character seemed so flat and useless, but I'm glad to see him in 3D form (lol).

Two suggestions:

01) Some of the formatting's off (this happened in chappie one to) so that a paragraph will be cut off mid-sentence and then the rest of it continues in another paragraph. This is probably FP's fault, but you might want to go back and fix it

02) Use a better transition for Calypto's exit from her engangement party to her meeting with Claudius. It was so abrupt! I didn't even catch the change in scene. Your usual flowy writing was cut short right there.