Reviews for The Thirteenth Spirit

Reviews For: The Thirteenth Spirit - Reviews: Page 1 of 6

Ultimate Guardian Emcron 2008-11-19 ch 26,	greetings, my friend! long time no see! nice to see another 2 chapters of ur story...another new enemy, and amy learning another new skill with the Fabric...i hope she'll find ena & cold alive after this attack! keep it up!
Mizz Karumenu 2008-11-13 ch 26,	Oh damn, another amazing chapter! I would have reviewed yesterday, but I needed a lack of sleep x3 IT'S JESUS! Ahah, sorry. That was the first thing that came to mind when I read that the man was walking on water. Oo, maybe he's anti-Jesus. Since I'm sure Jesus wouldn't kill anybody. Or attempt to, anyway. Hmm... Suspicious fellow, isn't he? Well, until next time, Mizz Karumenu.
Mizz Karumenu 2008-11-02 ch 25,	And the King of Fiction returns :o Oh how it excites me x3; I'll be updating Demonica soon. I started to rewrite it, because I wasn't happy with the original :3 Well, on to reviewing c: Wow, John. I think you might have outdone yourself with this number. I'm going to guess you've been busy for being inactive for so long. But, this totally pays off for all that. Absolutely amazing. Oh no. Ena's gone. Well, I'm guessing, anyway. I remember Cold to be extremely pale. I can't wait for the next installment, to see what's become of poor Ena. Until next time, John, Mizz Karumenu.
AluminumMuse 2007-08-09 ch 2,	Firstly, boring nit picky possibly inaccurate grammar with La (me)! —though It still moved in Itself, swirling endlessly, as did all others of Its same nature had to. -- The last part is rather redundant. And repetitive. And redundant. Though It no longer walked 'as It did before,' traveling on Its own accord across the oceans to the far reaches of the world, Its presence was always felt. -- I'm not sure what you would call this in English, I believe the part that I have in parenthesis would be in pluperfect in Latin (on the off chance that you take it) meaning that the correct wording would be 'had.' Nit picky, I know, but I already warned and, well, when in Rome... (or checking grammar. -insert corny drum sequence here.- Damn, I'm a veritable laugh riot today...). Clusters of people were quickly gathering on the northwestern shore of Orashid when a deep, low rumbling was heard one night. -- This reads rather rushed. Put in a setting first. Usual I find myself advising the exact opposite: do not add something unless it build character or moves on the plot, but this a setting would help us readers with the transition. ...a frightened voice said. Everyone was silent again. -- Clearly not everyone, as somebody is speaking. Instead, put something to the gist of 'The others fell silent to listen to the girl's(?) objections.' We can assume that this is what you mean, but it is stronger when you just say it. Less specifically, your writing lacks some emotion. When you say 'Malka immediately recognized the man,' you imply that the narration is at least limited omniscient (narrator knows one main character's thoughts, don't know if you use that term ever, some people get confused. Maybe it's a bit outdated...?) and thus you can eject some emotion and judgment into the descriptions. Currently, this dramatic scene reads rather dryly. Even if you choose to revert to non-omniscient (gasp! I've forgotten the technical term for a narrator that only observes...) then you can still set the scene with some verbs and nouns that convey the emotion. Think: Edgar Allen Poe. Even a simple stanza's from his works can elicit a maelstrom of emotions. Was it dawn already? she thought. -- This should probably be ‘wondered,’ as opposed to ‘thought’. Feh. Small point, but still... And so on and so forth. I'm a pretty harsh beta when it comes to anything but my own work ;) (ie: Lordy, lordy, it's much harder to do this for one's own writing/I am a mega hypocrite and refuse to take advice from anybody. Even myself.) She felt at ease now, her whole body in peaceful euphoria. -- One of the hardest decisions to make ad writer: when/if one should use 'now' during a segment in the past tense. Here, it disturbs the flow. While I wish there was a past tense equivalent to this word, there is not. Go with something simple. 'Suddenly she felt at ease, her whole body in peaceful euphoria.' On a side not, 'euphoria' usually implies a level of happiness that borders on hysterical. Try 'utopia' instead, it is more easily coupled with the word 'peaceful.' Anyways, quite good, despite my incessant negativity. Keep it up, and maybe try using some of these tips, and I bet you'll be happy with the results (and your readers will be even more happy. Possibly even euphoric.) I hope my review was helpful! --Message me to ask any questions, inform me if you ever revise this piece, make excuses, or tell me to 'go to hell you obnoxious, flaming ** hole' (I've received plenty of that since I joined fictionpress. Sort of comes with leaving wicked long, sarcastic, prissy reviews all over peoples precious, perfect stories). Feather La
AluminumMuse 2007-08-09 ch 1,	Good summary for fictionpress, but if you do intend to print this, I would leave this part out and integrate it into he story during the first few chapters. For some great integration of new and unusual information, read Scott Westerfeld's Midnights or Uglies Trilogies. Very well written. Feather La
anti-climax 2007-07-21 ch 20,	I found this chapter fine. My only comment is that I find it odd that a whole race of trained guardians were defeated by the being they were guarding against so easily. I would think that they had been trained in effective counter-measures, rather than jus being swept away by this Evil One in a single night. Other than that, good work. I'll be reviewing rather slowly, so bear with me ya? =/
anti-climax 2007-06-20 ch 19,	I'm finally getting down to review :/ Been so distracted haha... All right. One thing I noticed straightaway was that you used 'loosing' instead of 'losing' a lot. 'as his prey struggled for freedom, but was not rewarded.' But was not rewarded doesn't quite sound appropriate... Maybe you could use 'to no avail' instead? 'fired another stream of arrows to the first Shadowbound' At or towards ought to replace to. 'before it turned and pursued their new threat.' It is singular, their is plural. I really think you should wield grammar consistently, like 'it turned to pursue its new threat' instead. Well, this is your longest chapter yet. Haha and you ended with a cliffhanger... >.< Oh well, on to the next chapter..
Ultimate Guardian Emcron 2007-06-12 ch 24,	Greetings, my friend! Very poetic chapter indeed...your descriptions truly make the story come to life! It seems as if the third kingdom's attack is modelled after mordor's invasion in LOTR...the "broil of fume that sauron sends ahead of his host" is classic...but i'm pleased to see a unique flavour in this one, especially now that nazgul (er...shadowbounds, haha) can cross rivers! =P Amy seems to be improving by leaps and bounds, doesn't she? sorta reminds me of some zen master now, haha...i look forward to seeing how the World's words fall into place!
Mizz Karumenu 2007-06-06 ch 24,	Hey there, John! How are you doing? Well, as I listen to Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas, I'm glad to say that this chapter made me happy. Happy because I was engulfed in such boredom I was afraid it would swallow me hole :O Fwe :] When I got the email that said you updated, I got thrown off by the new Pen Name. I'll still probably call you John Amadeus, though! Until next time, Mizz Kaurmenu.
Sixth 2007-06-04 ch 24,	O another nce chapter! Oh, I spotted one mistake, you kinda referred to Cold as a her somewhere amidst the conversation instaed of him. Other than that, I think it's clean. But hey, who is ever perfect? :)
anti-climax 2007-05-30 ch 18,	Amy owned. Hahaha, this chapter rocked! It's a little strange that with her little experience though she was able to amass so much strength to defeat an elder. No obvious grammar errors I can see of. “Come on. We’ll be lucky if we get to Zha’elor before they get to us. We’ll have to loose them in the forest.” A typo here, namely loose should be lose. What else... Nothing further to add... Keep up the good work!
anti-climax 2007-05-29 ch 16,	it feels weird to have a conflict over parental consent. I guess Amy's the real responsible kind huh? And you changed your pen name! So many things have happened since I last visited FP... don't really have much to comment here and also for the previous chapter. Good writing as always but I find that actionless chapters have a way with nullifying any thoughts I might have had, lol. Major fault of mine I guess. Oh well...on to the next chapter
Mizz Karumenu 2007-04-15 ch 23,	Ah, hello there, John! I recieved all your messages, just to let you know. My mum's doing quite well again today, although she's very anxious to have her tea again :/ I very much enjoyed this chapter, too! The ending of it was rather interesting, I must say. Also, this chapter reminded me of a book that I read a while back, unless it was a movie.. I can't remember :( I don't even remember what it was called, either :@ Just to let you know, I'll be posting up a new story. However, this one is only going to be a short story. It was originally an assignment for my English class, but this version will be a little lengthier and slightly changed :D Until next time, Mizz Karumenu
Sixth 2007-04-13 ch 23,	Hello, I have finally finished your 23 chapter! Do continue~ other than a few minor gramatical mistakes, the rest seems fine. May I suggets the use of some more expressive phrases?
anti-climax 2007-04-12 ch 14,	Thanks for the review(s). :) Now let me see... Firstly, it's hearty, not harty. well, the one thing i note about your chapters are that they are all so short! It's not really a big deal, more of a personal preference though... I don't think 'I'm wondering' is appropriate somehow. I wonder sounds much nicer on the ears... Good chapter overall, but I do prefer longer chapters...haha

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