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| SeaMoon Faerye 2004-04-26 ch 1,   | HELP~! I'm bleeding to death over my begonias in my remote Tahiti countryside. Do something about it:D Go boy run! FEtch the New Zealand doctor, go! PS: if you're a girl then be a boy for a moment |
| Destroying Angel 2004-04-25 ch 1, | Damnit and Blessed doesnt really sound right when used in the same sentence, kinda defeats itself. (If I seem a bit picky... I am. this writing is so sexy I want to make love to it, so don't take offense to my suggestions like people tend to do.) "missals" should be missiles. Perhaps I'm just being ignorant, but this sounds kinda off... " “Yes, ma’am, Ja- Colonel Sterling and his men questioned him, but he’s been uncooperative.” Sterling narrowed her eyes and surveyed the prisoner with merciless grey eyes, “Have they found anything?” “Not yet.”" Either there are two Sterlings or somethin' heres tweaked. This is just a suggestion, nothing wrong with the sentence, but here goes: "Sterling narrowed her eyes" It would be cool to add in some sensory details about her eyes, eyes in a story can be some of the greatest mesurements of how a person sees a character because eyes portray so much, both physically and symbolically about a person. Maybe something like "Sterling narrowed her slate grey eyes" or "Ice-blue eyes" "General Samantha Sterling was fighting to keep her small dinner of coffee and a biscuit from being reacquainted with her mouth," holy crap, thats awesome, excellent way of describing it. Possibly me just being picky again... "sure that Colonel Sterling had just upchucked" An aff word in a neg sentence, in what seems to be a general neg story, you might want to say "vomited" rather than "upchucked", upchucked adds a more jovial atmosphere through the use of slang, kinda aff for the story so far, whereas vomited makes it darker, more neg. Or it's just a transition into something on a neutral light plane of wording, just being picky as I said. Well written, to say the least. Excellent, dark, political. Just the way I like it. Cheers, D.A. |
| Writer Saa 2004-04-25 ch 1, | Wow. That was impressive. The thought that went into the work, the description, the plotline... it was all tied together nicely. I really enjoyed reading this, although it made me rather sad. There were a few typos, but altogether, this was well done. You are very talented. Thank you. |