(forgive the terrible spelling)
you'll get my edited pages eventually, but here's some general stuff now, as i feel compelled to give you your first review. ...i think i'll rant on the characters.
gah! they're so alive, yet not! you probably were going for just that, so i won't delve. but you can feel the room for their pasts and lives in nearly every breath they take; you haven't pulled them out of thin air and aren't using them for something like plot devices, but they're actual people (one some plane or another) and their pasts have effects on their actions and emotions. zara's unnecessary syllables show EXACTLY what you'd mentioned you were going for, and i can just hear her voice trying to (what's the word?) reassure(?) herself at just about every step. ...gah, is awesome.
by the time you're done, i have no doubts that your characters will breathe without you telling the reader that they've done so, if you're following.
gah, i feel so massively honored right now that you're allowing me to read this in person and all. and sorry for the general incoherency.