FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| MushroomTheHobbit 2004-06-08 ch 3,  | abuseme? trusting rusky postal siervice? *growls* Neber! Hehe...I like it! Your fomatting is brilliant, the story line is poifect and I think the whole thing's hilarious! Keep up the good work. ~Sneezes~ Mushroom the Hobbit |
| Murry 2004-06-08 ch 3, | abuseHA! dude that was funny! keep writin more! |
| lynx wings 2004-05-30 ch 1, | abuseI love it . . . can't wait for the rest. Fun with mail order spouses . . . ^^ |
| J.A. Swartz 2004-05-05 ch 1, | abuseThere's great interaction between the characters, and their dialogue is unique to each of them, something that's easy to lose sight of. There are two issues to be had here: the humor and the format, specifically the directions under the character's name. Unless you plan to direct it yourself, these are overused and won't fly with a real director (their attitude towards any kind of direction in a script is that you're telling them how to do their job). One or two of them are fine, but almost every other one is pushing the limit. The humor was somewhat funny, especially Alan's reaction to his mother and Robert "digging his grave." Some of the jokes still fall a bit on the "what passes for humor these days" side of the line...what might help is listening to or reading bits that the classic comedians did, and I'm talking about the originals, like George Buns, Jack Benny, and Red Skelton. Study how their lines were written and when and how the lines were delivered: they always knew exactly what the audience would laugh at and when to get the biggest laugh from them. This looks like the start of a funny play, though...I'll definetely be looking forward to more. |