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Reviews For: Order of the Amak'hiidar: A DragonRider Story
ArchDemonNotion 2008-09-26 . chapter 7
five-foot-wide (omit)

She heard the spine-tingling battle cry of Siyamak’s people, (I imagined a whole tribe screaming. Maybe just shorten it to Siyamak, and not Siyamak's people)

I really enjoyed this chapter.
Toriko Murakata 2004-11-24 . chapter 1
your story is interesting, that it is. I must say, I could see this turning into a play of sorts...
ArchDemonNotion 2004-09-14 . chapter 6
This is a good chapter. If you'll excuse me i haven't much time to do a full review. I'm looking past the review screen and onto you text, i just noticed that you started at least four outta eight paragraphs with 'she'. Just an observation.
ArchDemonNotion 2004-09-10 . chapter 5
a very good chapter. I found nothing too conflicting with my reading and that's good. So is this woman who cares for the dude (sorry i haven't read the earlier chapters in a while so i forgot names) a main character or just somebody to help the man get to the capitol? Oh yeah that field you described is cool and the action is right on with the pace.
Katsuhiro 2004-07-07 . chapter 3
Well my main quibble is this: you murder any immersion with the phrase "The Emperor’s face fell into an “Oh, **” expression,"
Surely you can try find a synonym without resorting to incontinent swearing, as it butchers a previously decent piece.
Also, don't have your place names too utterly unpronounceable - just look at the hapless Matrix trilogy: it's now (deservedly) widely hated and reviled because it's head disappeared up it's own arse in the sequels.
ArchDemonNotion 2004-07-07 . chapter 4
THis chapter really moves us along. You are truly a writer. I read about Meriff and actually felt bad for Keirna that he died. The girls father and brother are the stupid country folk, huh?
ArchDemonNotion 2004-07-07 . chapter 3
you should consider this as a book or a movie. It just takes me away into this dragon riders life and world.
one mistake, last paragraph. "and off the soared" i think you can find the problem
ArchDemonNotion 2004-07-07 . chapter 2
okay one part confused me and slowed down my reading. when you have the paragraph about the Arakhar getting piked in the tail the next paragraph thew me off because you talk about the dragon, now the next paragraph when Kierna screams you put "she screamed out loud". a suggesting is put "Kierna screamed out loud" to make the transition from Arakhat to Kierna.
Okay the dialogue can be better. he nodded, she nodded has got to go. the reason why is you describe the story so well that i think the characters can take on thier own motions. You're telling too much, like shoving the info into my head and making me think it rather that letting me imagine it, see? I hope to see the revised version.
ArchDemonNotion 2004-07-06 . chapter 1
didn't get done. will read when i have time. i am confused about where she is, mayber you should introduce the surroundings before you go into flashback? anyways, its good to know that there are good writers on this site.
ONEthousandWORDs 2004-05-09 . chapter 1
Mae Govannen.
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Ooh. This is nice. Very nice indeed.
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I still need to catch up on TS... I will sometime. I can't now though. Stupid grass. It just keeps growing... meaning that I need to mow it... And I dun get payed or anything cause... my parent's don't feel like it. Or something.
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This reminds me or Eragon. Haven't read it yet. In fact, I still need to buy it. But I read the lil' flap thingy... with the summary... and this seems similar. Just curious. Anywho, keep this up please.
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You might want to change the last paragraph. You change tenses there, and it seems a bit... sloppy. That's not quite the right word, but close enough.
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May the penguins watch over thou. Ahem.
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Namarie.
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