   symbiotic 2007-10-06 . chapter 14Five, four, three, two, one, alright let me begin.
Let me start by saying I am very impressed here. This is quite the story. I have read a lot of stories like this, and none of them so far have come in remotely close to how good this one is. The relationships are great, your plot is very nice, your characters seem very human, and it's overall very good.
However, there are certain things that I do not really like.
One was the fact of the profiling in the beginning. I am very annoyed by this in writing on this site. Do you see real writers, writers who write real books and real short stories or poems for literary magazines, writers who write plays, making profiles for their characters in the short stories and novels? No, I did not think so (if you can find me one where they do that, please tell me and I will be the first to admit I was wrong about it never being done in a novel). But anyway, this makes the beginning boring and generally bland. The information that is in these profiles could have been used in some sort of introduction to the characters in real writing that could have explained their basic personalities in a more creative way. But it's the beginning of the story, so I can understand if you do not want to go back and change that.
Another problem, the descriptions here are downright boring and lacking. Ok, they are not boring to the point where it is like listening to Panzer Division Marduk by Marduk, in which every song consinsts of the same tinitus inducing shrill of vocals that are crying for the destructon of christianity, buzzsaw sounding overdriven guitar, inaudible bass, and rapid blast beat drumming over and over and over again in the same pattern over and over and over again and in the same time signature over and and over and over again, but more like to the point of listening to a Linkin Park album. Differnet lyrical themes and occasionally different keyboard and turntable parts that may be in a different time signature (but probably will not), yet uses the same rapping and screaming, the same three to four chords being used over and over again in the guitar riffing, lame bass, and the same drum pattern used ten times in a row. This can make the story incredibly boring, ranging from just semi boring to downright sleep inducing. This is mainly because you tell what is going on instead of showing it. If you want an example of how to do this, watch carefully;
Telling: She had black hair.
Showing: Her long jet black hair reached down past her shoulders, the light providing a beautifully sheen that made it glisten when she stood still.
I am not saying show all the time, that would be boring in its own right. But try and show in the general descriptions. I understand, some areas you have to just tell what happened or what is going on, but for the most part things can be shown.
However there are several other departments you succeeded in. For example, you have done a real good job at making the characters seem incredibly human. A lot of authors just make their characters like potato skins, in the sense that you know they are fictional and you cannot connect them or visualize them being right next to you. But I can do that with every single one of your characters. They are in depth, personal, vivid in their dialogue, and pretty cool. The descriptiosn hold them down a bit, but otherwise these people seem like people I can see being very (and I mean very) real.
Also, your grammar and spelling are near flawless. I have found no reoccuring spelling or grammar erros, just maybe two spelling errors in places where it really does not matter and the normal fiction conseur would probably not even see until they went back and looked at the story with closer inspection.
The story is also highly rereadable. This is definitely the story I can see someone who needs something to do, or even if they just want to read, going back to read again and again. Another good thing about the story. If a story is rereadable, then you have done a very good thing.
Now, I know what I said in the bad things may sound mean. But realize, as one who wishes to get better and writing and be a professional reviewer for short stories and novels, I have been really trying to hone down my technique (and it is still in the process of refinement). Also, as one who is a supporter of the literary arts, I am one to encourage people to improve. But unfortunately, people just do not seem to respond very well these days to the simple "oh just do this and then your story will be better", you have to be a bit more brutal with them. This however, has earned me the rather expected "go crawl in a ditch and die my story is perfect" replies from many a author. I sure hope you are not one of these authors, for they annoy me and I find that they should be the ones who should be crawling in man made depressions in the earth's surface and performing some action to cease all bodily functions. However, I believe that most writers do in fact listen, and I really hope you are one of them. So please, take my advice.
I'll be back to read more, and leave more reviews.
Symbiotic |
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