Yeah . . . I don't like the you-are-the-star thing. It's awkward.

Although I think your style in this one has improved a lot over your previous short ones. There is more detail, which is good.

I think overall, (since I've now read everything on fictionpress by you), you have good ideas for plots (like the long one, the first one I read), but that the background information, like a character's past, needs to be worked in with more finesse. Perhaps instead of having the narration say things like, "Two years ago Sara's father died," (I made that up, but you know when you do it), you could put Sara in a position where she must reveal her past through dialogue to another character. It will make your characters more alive and real than just narrating their past.

Oy. 'Tis past midnight, and I haven't done my philosophy homework.

I'll see you Sunday when I'm back from Indy. ^.^

~Alicia~