Wow, very… mysterious to put it plainly. This is very well done. I’d like to invite you to a writing forum. I hope you enjoy the community and share some of your interesting works.
http://ucps.proboards30.com/

1st ph; "as the(y) eagerly left..." 4th section; "But other then..." (then should be than). Other than those couple errors, I found this well written and an interesting idea. Good job, keep writing.
**Slave**