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| Albion the Forsaken 2004-06-09 ch 1,  | Hey, interesting script. I have one word for you... 'eloquency'. I know it's hard and sometimes I too fall into the trap of sometimes rushing my storyline, but take your time, and make sure all aspects of the happenings are covered. Also with your dialouge, make sure its in character and takes into account things like relationships, emotions etc. Other wise good stuff! :) Until next time, ciao, Albion |
| ChristianGeekGuy 2004-06-09 ch 1,  | Well, there are some grammar issues here and there, but I mainly had trouble with the plot. It's pretty much entirely action. The dialogue is melodramatic. And some things were just confusing: why did she become a terrorist so suddenly? Why did the terrorists let her have a gun after threatening the life of her child? Why did the cop fall in love with her just because she kissed him? -- Hmm. What are some good ways to improve your style? Firstly, keep writing and rewriting - practice always helps. Also read as much as you can, especially in the genres you prefer to write, but also in others. Fictionpress is a helpful tool, but writer's workshops or writing classes are really much more helpful and in-depth. Also try to take as many classes in school involving language and writing as you can. |
| bluberfish 2004-06-08 ch 1, | Great start! I reviewed three of ur stuff! U shud review some of mine at least! |
| Alcaeus of Cronus 2004-06-08 ch 1, | Nice storyline. Who doesn't love a little espionage and conspiracy? However, you might want to think about revising your style some. You have some serious grammatical errors, your sentence structure could use some work, and you should think a little about your word choice. However, practice makes perfect. I think you have a great idea here, you just need to be careful on how you write it out. |
| Flyyboy06 2004-06-07 ch 4, | Hey man, what up? This was...interesting. Definitely didn't need the R rating and you had some grammar problems, but that can alwayz be fixed. Uh...characters were a little one dimensional and Sarah just randomly becoming a terrorist was kind've unbelievable; what's the reason? Dialogue was...painful; maybe make it more real&less corny...(EX:Sarah: No you won't! HA! That was a fake kiss you sucker! Die!). Don't let any of this get to you tho, jus improve, cuz if you keep writing you will definitely get better. Later, -David |